It’s the resilience that changes everything

“Resilience is very different than being numb. Resilience means you experience, you feel, you fail, you hurt, you fall. But, you keep going.” 

Yasmin Mogahed

Spoiler alert..this is not my Christmas post. That’s coming next week. However, I do want to share some moments over the last month that have reminded me how important courage and grace are when outside forces are seemingly ever-present to undermine our footing.

I had a friend with whom I went to high-school pass away suddenly last month. Just days before, we were texting and sharing belated birthday greetings with her.

Her name was Vicki, and she was a tough and gentle, kind and considerate person. She was a lover of animals and nature and became an amazing photographer when her health began to compromise her ability to work.

I believe she struggled physically with her ailments, but she never let them slow her down. She had a wide reach of friends and family and was never afraid to challenge them on their views and start a healthy conflict. We will miss her adventurous spirit as a sister, friend, and aunt to all that knew her.

Just as I finished putting my memories of Vicki into a healthy place, I found out my aunt was slipping into a coma.

She died peacefully while sleeping last week. Surrounding her in her final hours were the remaining grandchild and great-grandchildren in her life. Her story was one of strength against many battles.

My aunt had three daughters, and over the course of her lifetime, she outlived all of them as well as her husband.

Her first daughter departed at a young age from Leukemia. Her second daughter died of liver cancer after a courageous battle. Finally, her third and last daughter died just a few months ago in her sleep.

It seemed to be the final loss she was willing to sustain before she made the decision to move on in her own way. Perhaps she realized her work here in this life as a wife, mother, grandmother, and sister was complete.

My aunt was the matriarch of the family after the death of my grandmother in the 1970s. She had four brothers and assumed the female authority figure that happens so often to older sisters after the mother ceases to play that part.

I am grateful to my aunt for many things, but I think what resonates the most is her love for family and how she used cooking and socializing as her way to bring people together. Even after her losses, she remained a strong force in my life.

The last year of her life she spent in Salt Lake City, Utah with her granddaughter. Although this was far from her roots in Pennsylvania and her two living brothers, it was absolutely the best place for her to prepare for what was next.

It’s her resilience that I admire most about her. Talking with her and spending time with her one would never know the losses she experienced over her lifetime. Her resilience allowed her to keep moving forward.

This photo of my aunt was one of the last photos taken during her time in Salt Lake City. Not only is she wearing a beautiful sassy smile, I believe inside she was happy. Her look says everything. Perhaps she was happy knowing she was safe and soon would see her family together again.

Thinking more about resilience

This month I had the opportunity to spend a day with my friend Sara and take a road trip outside of Rome. We had talked about going to Assisi, which I hear is unbelievably beautiful. However, due to my inability to wake-up before 8:00 a.m., we settled for a location a bit closer but just as stunning, Bagnoregio.

Before I tell you about Bagnoregio, I’ll tell you about why I am writing about resilience.

As Sara and I walked the long path to the city (cars are not permitted to enter the city), I was telling her that I was struggling with something to write about for this post. I told her that there is so much happening and I was struggling to pick the topic that seemed to sum it up best. But it felt that life was unrelenting in it’s challenges.

Sara pointed to Bagnoregio on the hill and said, “Why don’t you write about resilience?”

I said, “Resilience? Tell me more.”

Sara asked me to look upon Bagnoregio as we approached from a long footbridge below. She reminded me how it has stood the test of time on a crumbling foundation, but it remained impressive with its beauty and its fortitude. The rain, wind, and elements of nature have decayed its foundation. However, Bagnoregio was still standing. It was putting up a good fight when everything around it would tell it to let go, perhaps give up.

Eventually, probably not in my lifetime, it will fall from the hilltop. It will cease to be what it was.

In the meantime, it shows courage and strength. The city stands because it’s about resilience. It’s not ready to crumble just yet.

It seems to be a common theme these days. Life requires more of something, it’s the resilience that we need to maintain so we don’t crumble.

If you were in Ukraine, Syria, Iran, or China, you hear stories of resilience among the people. Real resilience, not just the resilience that allows us to move past an inconvenience, but the resilience against the worst objects of life: war, destruction, poverty, oppression, inequality, illness, and death.

I can’t help but think of the people of Ukraine. They are heading into a bleak winter, missiles flying into their cities every day, their lives in peril, and the future is a big question mark. But yet, even if they lose their land or perhaps their lives, the Ukrainians have already won the war of hearts and minds. It’s the resilience they have that will never be forgotten. They are not ready to crumble. They are their own Bagnoregio.

Bagnoregio “La città che muore”

Bagnoregio dates back to the Etruscans, the civilization that inhabited this area of Italy before the Romans. The first settlement here was 2,500 years ago.

It is referred to as “la città che muore” or the “dying city” because it sits on a hilltop of condensed deposits of “tuff” or calcified volcanic rock. It is soft and porous and highly susceptible to erosion, but it’s also resistant to earthquakes.

Bagnoregio is centered in a highly seismic zone in the region of Lazio, Italy. So what will destroy it eventually is likely what saved it from significant damage over centuries of seismic activity.

Upon seeing it for the first time, it has a fairy tale feeling. It seems to have been replicated in a dozen Disney films, perched high on a hill with one long footbridge leading up to its imposing but regal entrance. With broad never-ending views across the eroding valley below, it has an otherworldly landscape.

We spent a few hours walking around the city, having lunch, and admiring the village.

Returning to Rome we continued our discussion about Italy and resilience. Sara is a bit of a language and history guru. She speaks four languages and has a very good command of Italian history as well as world cultures. I always learn something when I’m with her.

She reminded me of the “newness of Italy” despite being surrounded by villages and monuments dating back hundreds if not thousands of years.

Towns like Bagnoreggio are not uncommon. Each ancient village carries its own story of resilience against struggles, strength against opposing forces. Everything is anchored to something before it.

Italy has a history of resilience

Of course I’m biased, but I think the Italian people are naturally resilient. Their history is endemic to their cultures, all of them.

Prior to the unification of Italy in 1861 by King Vittorio Emanuele I, Italy did not exist as a country. It was several kingdoms and the Papal State led by the Pope.

Italy was created through a series of revolutions, wars, and agreements. Eventually, after all of this settled, it resembled what we see today. However, it remained a land of different dialects, varying cultures, and beliefs. It also had a few thousand years of history that predates the Romans to complicate things. Life was difficult after the unification and creation of the Kingdom of Italy. It would take decades to seem homogenous.

It was due to this disruptive period, that Italians began leaving for America. In fact, the Italian Diaspora is the largest voluntary immigration in history. Over 4 million Italians (10% of the population of the newly formed nation) emigrated to America after the unification. If you’d like to read more, check out the United States Library of Congress website and the “The Great Arrival” of Italian immigrants.

Follow this by two world wars on Italian soil, the abolition of the Italian monarchy, and then a number of successive governmental upheavals.

For those that remained and sustained their life, it’s the resilience that kept them moving forward, coupled with generational beliefs of self-reliance.

Final thoughts on mustering resilience.

As I think about my day with Sara and our conversation together, I can’t help but think about my aunt, my friend Vicki, and all of those that are still struggling to find resilience.

I have had a relatively very fortunate life not requiring the same level of resilience as others. In fact, up until my husband’s death almost 5 years ago, I don’t remember having to struggle that often.

Certainly, the grief continues, but I find myself grateful. Grateful that at this point in my life, resilience is in my toolkit, but I don’t have to rely on it right now. I have my family and friends, my health, and my home. My 52 years of life pales in comparison to the struggles that others have faced and continue to face.

I hope that if I have to find resilience, I can muster the courage of my aunt, the kindness of Vicki, the determination of the Ukrainian people, the ancient fortitude of Bagnoregio, and the cultural spirit of the Italian people that genetically lives within me.

Thank you for following along. Perhaps you feel a bit more resilient after reading this. If you don’t, no worry. You’re not alone. I think all of us are trying to find our footing in a world that keeps pulling out the carpet from underneath us. If you like this post, share it on your social media page. If you’d like to subscribe and never miss an update, you can enter your email below. I’ll be back soon to talk about my month-long search for Christmas past while living in the present. Much love to you and enjoy the holiday season and celebrate it in the way that brings you joy.