If I had to characterize the last month as a weather forecast, I would say it’s been partly cloudy with occasional brilliant sunshine. It took an extra week to write this post, because I had a tough time finding the words. I didn’t want to signal to my readers I was bailing on my sogno d’italia. I assure you I am not bailing on my dream, and I still want to be here. So why the cloudy skies with occasional brilliant sunshine?
I have been struggling a bit with what I want to do with my life here and finding my place in the world. Ultimately, the million-euro question is, what will I do to bring value to a world that desperately needs it right now and what do I need to mobilize that? I have focused most of my free time on exploring Italia and when I’m not doing that, I’m working diligently on my language or writing. I can’t help but sense a growth leap, and with it, the angst and discomfort that comes from the transformation. It seems to have been the backdrop for the last few months. I think the universe is signaling, “It’s time.”
My brilliant sunshine showed up on three separate occasions where I was able to spend time with friends originally from California. All three have taken flight in their own unique ways.
I traveled to France two weeks ago to spend time with my friend Maurine on her birthday. She exported herself to France years ago to follow her dream after facing the loss of her husband.
Joe, who was Darin’s best friend, was in Roma to attend another friend’s birthday. I was able to make the trip and spend a short but full day with him. He is still carrying the weight of loss. Joe lost his two best friends within one year, both to cancer.
Finally, my best friend Rick visited last week with his boyfriend. We spent time together in Torino and traveled to Switzerland. It was good to have a few days to reconnect. I’ve known Rick for almost 30 years, and well, he usually knows me better than I know myself.
All three visits were perfectly timed. I was able to use that time to garner their wisdom and embrace the bond that has tied us together all these years. Each provided their own point of view on the world. When you get a chance to see a situation from a different perspective, it changes everything. If you haven’t seen my post about enjoying the view, you might want to read about seeing the world from the balcony instead of the orchestra pit click here.
In another week, my sister will arrive. We have such great plans in store, and I cannot wait to show her Piemonte and other parts of Europe she has never seen. I’ll take full advantage of her shoulder and lean heavy on her for the advice that only a big sister can give. The Divine has been responding to this minor call for help, with plenty of reinforcements.
Age and time in general have been gnawing at me. That last “40-something” birthday was hard to let go. Case in point, I started prematurely graying when I was about 35 or so. Living in self-conscious Southern California, it just didn’t seem right to let gray take its natural course. So, I started “gently concealing” my gray every 8-10 weeks. After a decade, the gentle concealing turned into a brute force regimen every 5 weeks.
On my 49th birthday I thought maybe I should go natural and see what happens. Secretly I hoped there was a George Clooney in me that was aching to get out. I went to my stylist and asked her, “What can we do to start blending in some gray?” She looked at me with a look of dread and said, “Sei sicuro? Non è facile.” Are you certain? This isn’t easy. Clearly this wasn’t the first time she dealt with my kind of situation. I was emboldened and told her to go for it.
Well, it didn’t look that bad the first two weeks as I anxiously waited for George Clooney to appear. However, after three weeks, it became obvious. George wasn’t coming, but he sent his aunt, Rosemary Clooney instead. My hair wasn’t helping my age anxiety. For my readers around the world that aren’t familiar with George Clooney and Rosemary Clooney, click the link to get the comparison. George is the one on the right. Rosemary and George Clooney
So much for my attempts at authenticity. I have since returned to the same color before the entire Clooney fantasy began. This reality slap of age, the ongoing struggles of fitting into the la cultura italiana and the recognition that life is flying by at an incredible speed, has created quite the realization that despite all of my efforts, I haven’t learned to let go of that which I don’t want to take along with me; fear of aging, the need to fit-in, and anxiety over my past.
I recently read a book recommended to me just after Darin died. It was written by Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist. The book, When Things Fall Apart, is one of the best books on coping with change, loss and discomfort. Even if your life hasn’t fallen apart yet, it’s a great perspective on the struggle.
In the book, the author talks about leaning into the sharp points of life, rather than pulling back to protect yourself from the pain. Pema discusses our tendency to play the fix-it role when things go wrong instead of contemplating the real source of contention. There lies the treasure buried amongst the pain. When it’s partly cloudy with occasional brilliant sunshine, digest the clouds a bit more. One of my favorite quotes I highlighted in the book was this:
“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look. That’s the compassionate thing to do. That’s the brave thing to do. We could smell that piece of shit. We could feel it; what is its texture, color, and shape?”
Pema Chödrön. “When Things Fall Apart.”
I know it’s graphic, but I found myself laughing so hard when I read that quote and thinking how much energy I spent trying to fix something without learning the lesson and appreciating it for what it is. It’s just shit, and that’s ok.
I thought I had much of this under my belt when I started this journey, but I have to remind myself to be ok with living unsteadily. These are unpredictable times for many. Sometimes cloudy with occasional brilliant sunshine is ok, just be the brilliant sunshine for someone when they need it.
Thank you for following The Spaghetti Diaries. If you’re interested in the teachings of Pema Chödrön, here’s a link to her foundation where you can read her story https://pemachodronfoundation.org
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I love your posts. They are expressions of the wonder and terror of living and owning each moment. Every word Pema writes challenges me to my core. I’m a shitty buddhist to be sure. Anyway, today’s post (I hope they keep coming) reminded me of some lines from Patrick Kavenagh.
“Me I will throw away
Me sufficient for the day
The sticky self that clings
Adhesions on the wings
To love and adventure,
To go on the grand tour
A man must be free
From self-necessity.”
Enjoy the tour.
ciao
Lucca,
So beautifully written. As I always say, your voice and your authentic self comes through so brilliantly in your writing. Bravo! You have been a ray of sunshine in my life for decades. And you seem to shine your light on me at just the right times.
Glad you connected with friends over the last few weeks and even better that Tracy is coming to town. You guys are going to have a blast and I hope there is a Vespa ride or two during the visit.
Ciao my dear friend!
lisa
Greg my friend! So good to see your note. Yes, trying to own each moment just scares the hell out of me sometimes, but I’m paying attention now. Those Patrick Kavenagh words gave me goosebumps. I must commit those to memory..they are beautiful words to remember when you are trying to shed your skin. Thank you for your generous kindness. That part of your spirit has always been evident and it has served you well. Be happy and stay wonderful!
Ok Luke Lombardo, to start my message… I DID notice it has been sometime since your last post. I woke up last Sunday looking forward to relaxing and reading what you write.
I find it therapeutic. I don’t even like reading books/novels, ( Lol ) but I look forward to your writing and hearing about your experiences.
It did sadden me to hear you were struggling. However, you always seem to find the good in things & that uplifts me again.
Even though I missed your writing. I’m so glad to hear you’ve been busy bonding with friends.
You had me CRACKING UP over the aging & George Clooney part. 😂🤣 💖 Luke Lombardo, you are a good looking man. Don’t over think it.
Lastly, when I’m reading your post. I feel like you are in the same room telling the story. I hear your expressions, tone, & laughter. You are excellent at writing. 😉
Susan, I just love that you are so honest! Don’t be sad, I’m coming through this. The thing I have to remember is that I chose this! It’s much different to be done to..than do it to yourself. I know I have an escape chute, but I hope I never need to use it. I wanted to be shaken from the inside out..and it’s working.
George Clooney left me abandoned in my hair dresser chair…If I ever run into him in Bellagio/Lake Como..I’m going to ask him his secret to that salt and pepper longevity. He has looked that way for years..and it can’t all be genetics! 🙂 Sending love to you and when am I going to see you here?? XOXO
Lucca,
This is my second attempt so if u get this twice I apologize in advance! As I always say, your voice and your authentic self comes through so brilliantly in your writing! Bravo and a you have a true gift!
Your journey is beautiful, painful and so very real! I applaud you for your strength and commitment to living life to the fullest with the good, the bad and the “shit”.
You have been a day of sunshine in my life for decades. And you seem to shine your light on me at just the right times!
Glad you had visitors from a far and even better that Tracy is coming to town. I hope there will be a Vespa ride or two during her visit.
Bye for now my friend. Ciao
Lisa
The second time is the charm! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Sometimes it’s a lot easier to find your voice in words than in sounds. What’s up with that? That quote about the shit just got me thinking..wow, we all have ours, and nobody wants to look at it.
The cracks in us let in the light…that’s a quote from someone I can’t remember right now. But it’s similar to Rumi’s “The wound is where the light enters.”
We have brightened each others path – and for that – I will be forever grateful! I see vespas, vino, and voyages in my near future! Be well and I am sending BIG LOVE back atcha! Ciao ciao!!
Love u my friend. Vespas, vino and voyages. Good things come in 3’s. Enjoy and I can’t wait to hear how your visit with sis goes!
Xxoo❤️
Well I think you nailed it!! See you in 10 days, so excited!
I love you sis…get your ass here fast! We have places to go and people to see!
And may I add, a small request the two of you. I totally expect to see videos with you two singing Italian songs. It brightens my day. I am so happy that you both are going to have time together to enjoy your journey and your dream. God bless you both.
I can’t promise Barry Manilow…but perhaps a few carpool karaoke videos are in order! Thank you Sharyn, wishing you the best!
As always your words capture the moment and eloquently detail your thoughts and feelings. I admire and aspire to that. I’m so happy all “the boys” rallied around you in what would seem was the perfect time. Knowing all of you as I do I know there was lots of laughter, chats about life and maybe a tear or two not to mention an abundance of vino. Love and miss you but glad you are on this journey and finding your due course.
Thank you! Your ray of light was here always. Thanks for the talks and guidance. As I mentioned to someone earlier, I still don’t know the end game, but I am getting closer. 🤗🤗❤️❤️
I just had a hair cut and was asked if I have ever though of coloring out the gray. My response was “as long as it’s hair, I don’t mind the color.” So you, with your bushy mane, just do what you need to do to keep you happy and don’t worry about which Clooney shows up again.
Thank you Tony! I had to laugh when I saw this. Even my bushy mane is starting to feel the effects of age! Ah…such is life. Thank you for the Monday morning smile. The next time we get together, I expect you to bring the dessert! Those kitchen creations always have my mouth watering in Italy. Those caramel apple cheesecake squares..had me at “caramel”…
Enjoyed the update and love the last line….”just be the brilliant sunshine for someone when they need it.” That is a fantastic reminder for all of us!
Thank you!! I think the world needs a lot of brilliant sunshine! I’m glad you liked it. I’m hoping the next post is clear skies and balmy temperatures, although it’s been raining in Torino for four days straight. Sigh..winter in Piemonte. Be well!
Something about balmy temperatures and warm rains….sometimes that’s comforting too.
Seems like forever since I’ve read the latest adventures in your life. I love your hair no matter the color. I’m 56 and stopped color at 50. Everyone said I was too young to be gray. I said, I’m ready and I love it! You will know when you are ready. I hope you continue to find your purpose in this life. I love that your friends have come at just the right times. Enjoy your sister. She needs this as much as you need her! Enjoy and I look forward to seeing your posts and pics to come. Love you!
Your take on life in Italy is so on-point but the weather is always changing (as are we) so we have to deal with the not so bright days in order to enjoy the beautifully warm sunny days that we know are on their way! You are incredible!
Thank you Lulu!!!!! So good to see your name in my comments. You are always so incredibly kind in your words! Yes, with the sun comes the rain. You too are incredible! Sending baci & abbracci!