“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”
Rumi
Many people warned me about the year of “firsts” long before I actually had to face any of their potential damage. “Firsts” are all of those days you celebrated with someone you love; birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, vacations. They bring feelings of joy and appreciation for most, but when you are dealing with the first year after loss, they take on an entirely different meaning. From the moment after Darin transitioned, the calendar became a progress bar, a means to the end of pain. I counted days, then weeks, and finally months. They became milestones toward some perceived promise of “normalcy.” When I would make it through one month, I would check that off my list knowing I paid my grief dues for the month and hoped the cost would decrease next month.
March 16, 2019 marked the one-year anniversary of Darin’s death. When I envisioned that day, I was pushing myself right into a head-of-the-table seat for a perfect pity party. I expected to start with a morning walk and maybe lunch. I would return to my apartment for some introspective time. I would put on the music that Darin loved, open up a good book and a bottle of wine, and probably cry until I had drained both the emotion and the bottle of wine. Why did I have the expectation to make that day darker than any other day? Why did I think that was what was expected of me? In the midst of all of this sorrow planning, I had completely thrown out my responsibility to choose the day I wanted. Instead, I looked at what I saw others do as my guide. It finally took an invite from a relative stranger and a phone call with my sister to remind me that I had the power and responsibility to myself to create the day I wanted to experience.
The week before the anniversary, I received an invite to go to Bologna and be there for the anniversary of Darin’s death. The invite was certainly appreciated and generous, I mean, who volunteers for that kind of hazard duty? This, however, was not what I had planned. Virgos really like planning events, and I had orchestrated the perfect emotional apocalypse in the comfort of my own apartment. “You want me to go to Bologna?”, that’s not how the “Widower Lombardo” should spend the day. I’m supposed to feel horrible that day, right? Isn’t that what widowed people do on this day of “firsts?”
After I sat with these feelings for a bit, I chose to call someone I knew could help. Even at 48-years old, I still need my big sister. If I have a voice of consciousness outside of my own, it would be hers. I think she is a far “older-soul” than me, and her life experience is one that I have come to appreciate and rely upon greatly this past year. When I am conflicted, our conversations lead to a different perspective and a better alternative.
When I told her about my options, she locked in on the true question far more clearly than I could. She said something to the effect of, “How do you want to feel on the anniversary of Darin’s death, and if you can’t see clearly now through your pain, how do you think Darin would want you to spend that day?” I was taken aback. I’m fairly certain she meant that I actually have a choice in how good or bad that day will be. She also reminded me that there is no guide book or instruction manual for mourning. You write it as you go, and it’s 100% yours. Nobody has lived your life and nobody will. You create the rules you follow, and no matter what others do, you are the final arbiter of your decision.
As you might have guessed, I chose what was behind “Door #2” and went to Bologna! I had an incredible day celebrating Darin’s life and mine. I honored the people, past and present, who shaped and helped me arrive at this point in life. I opened up the door to new friends and a new life. I climbed nearly 500 steps to the top of the tallest tower in Bologna, and just as the sun was setting on day 365, I said goodbye to the last day of the “year of firsts” and welcomed tomorrow.
I think Darin had a hand in orchestrating that day in Bologna and the subsequent days that followed. I remember a spiritual teacher of mine telling me months ago, “You won’t understand this now, but Darin can help you a lot more now from where he is and his presence will be felt when doing so.” She was right, I was too caught up in my personal loss at the time for it to make sense. After my own personal progress, I think I do understand it and I feel Darin’s love at work for me. Our paths are our own to create, and every person we bring into our life with true authentic love is there to help us get to where we are going. When they leave this place, they still have the same authentic love and desire to see us through our journey, but now they can contribute to our journey with limitless possibility. We are never alone, but we always remain responsible for choosing our emotions and defining how we wish to participate in each day.
In conclusion, let me explain the significance of “Sono sulla mia strada” in the title of this post. When I boarded the train to Bologna, I sent a text to my friend in Bologna to let him know I was on my way. I doubted my Italian and used Google Translate. When I hit send on the text, I received an “LOL” response back. It turns out my words actually meant, “I am on my road.” I felt a bit embarrassed. We joked about it, and then it left my mind. A few days later, I was once again reminded of that translation, and then something became clear about its literal meaning. I know that I have my feet planted on my road where I want life to lead me. I may not know the destination, but I have a vision for somewhere great. Sono sulla mia strada!
Yes Luke, you ARE on YOUR road. 🙂
Carolyn, Thank you!! I know it’s mine..I have no idea where it’s going, but I’m here and that’s wonderful all by itself.
Luke, as we are spending our last days in Italy before returning home, I’ve come across your blog. You are truly brave in what you are doing, and have done, and I will soo look forward to following your journey!! Blessings to you!😊
Patricia!! This made my morning brighter! Thank you for your wonderful comments. I hope to stay connected and perhaps when you return to Italy our paths will cross.
Blessings returned to you!!
Lucca,
You are an amazing person and I love the “road” you are on.. it has been filled with exploration, enlightenment, joy, sadness, fun and authenticity!
Sending love!
Lisa
Lisa!!! Like attracts like..and to have you and Gina in my life are gifts! It is a mix of all that makes up this life we live. I am grateful for you! Sending love back to you!
Luke
Thank you for this inspirational post. Your milestone day sounded like a success on both a transactional and spiritual level. I think of you and Darrin as team that keeps giving the gift of insight even though one of the partners is no longer physically present. Congratulations to you both on this milestone.
Mike
Mike, thank you! Yes, it was better than I could have imagined it being. I just had to let go of what I thought it should be…which is always the most difficult part. Best to you!
Beautiful post. There comes a point in the evolution of ones life where we realize, recognize and start to own responsibility for our choices. Loss, and subsequently grief, are two of the most difficult hardships of life but ultimately it is always about the choice one makes on how to cope. There are dark days to be sure, but only through darkness can one find the light. I’m loving your blog and look forward to following your evolution.
Meghan, thank you for your clear words. Yes, at some point we get to a place where we realize we have absolute control over how we manage that which is in contrast to what we expect. There are definitely dark days, but they open a door. As Rumi said, “The wound is where the Light enters you.” I love that and it speaks volumes to me! Thank you for your kind comments – and I hope to connect someday in person and we can discuss our parallel journies!
That’s beautiful! And, may the road rise to meet you….enjoy your path. Thanks again for sharing.
Thank you Nancy! I love it when the road rises and you don’t even expect it! It will always be there when you are ready to take it!
The road we’re on is ours for the making. Stay on yours and take some detours from time to time. Just keep moving forward.
Sì!! It is our choice, and we can do anything we want. Thank you, Tony, so happy to have your friendship! Look forward to connect in Rome when you arrive!
Luke, may your road always lead you to these wonderful twists and turns you are experiencing now! You are handling them so well!
Bisous
Maurine, I look to you when I need strength in navigating those painful and wonderful twists and turns. Without them, what would life be? Thank you for your comments, and I’m sending baci da Roma!
After 2 failed marriages, my soul mate who was Italian came into my life. I had an incredible 13 years with Nico before he passed. I celebrate him and the incredible life we had together. His presence is there for me so I have never wanted to be sad, I feel blessed to have had my soul mate for 13 years. You are blessed also my friend🌹
Johnsie! What a wonderful encounter to connect with you. I am so happy we have mutual blessings from those that have shared genuine authentic love. It never ends!! Take it all in! Nico and Darin are constructing magical things for us!
Perfectly said. March 16 was a day of dread for me as well, and like you, I’m sure that Darin pointed me in a totally different path that was void of the gut wrenching sorrow that I had imagined.
I am so proud of you.
Do I miss him? Every day, but I also feel him near me and try to listen to the guidance that comes in so many loving forms.
Love you! 💜
Daria, there isn’t a moment when we don’t share our love for the same person..and March 16th was a day to remember all of that love fully and deeply. Darin has kept us afloat and flowing with the current of life…that’s all we need to do. It will take us where we need to be! I miss him, but I also see his actions at work! Never doubt it for a minute. Love you, and thank you for your forever friendship!
This is beautiful, love. I’m so happy to see the brave choices you’re making and the life you’re choosing to live. Also, I miss you!
Kristin – to my sister from another mister! I miss you and my adopted California (now Arizona) family…but I bring you all with me wherever I go. I choose to live knowing that I have wonderful people that put wind in my sails!
Oh my Luke! “I am on my road.” Yes, indeed you are. And your writing is beautiful and moving and inspiring to me. You have a very special gift and you are sharing it and I am deeply grateful. I LOVE seeing and knowing that you are embracing life and that you know Darrin is continuously with you. I loved the “Tomato” blog post as well – understanding all of the ways others can trigger us and then getting unplugged. May we all come to knowing that we create our own paths and that our authentic feelings are guides in whom we can trust. Thank- you dear Luke. ❤️
Pat, thank you. I am so moved by your comments. I believe we must believe in love after life, and embracing all that is crazy wonderful and new as we learn! I hope to remain forever curious at this place we occupy for such a brief time in our forever journey! I cannot help but think about how you have guided me these last 15+ years..I am forever grateful to you my friend, and blessed that we get to spend this time together! That is real goodness! Sending love to you in California!
Luke…while i was reading your story and your relationship with your “road” i remembered this poem that a very good poet used as the introduction of his last book of poetry:
“Traveler, your footprints
are the only road, nothing else. Traveler, there is no road;
you make your own path as you walk. As you walk, you make your own road, and when
you look back
you see the path
you will never travel again. Traveler, there is no road only a ship’s wake on the sea.”
– Antonio Machado
I love this, Bill. There is something wonderful about not knowing how all of this is going to end! I hope my wake is a good one, and only gently rocks those that have traveled with me! Thank you!
I cry. Tears of joy… still, I cry. I’m so happy you’ve made the choices you’ve made and ended up on the road you’re on. Not just anyone could, you know! Bravo, Lucca! Hugs!!
Pam, thank you! Yes tears of joy are wonderful gifts. I’m sitting here right now this morning having coffee and listening to Ludovico Einaudi… “I Giorni”..The Days. It brings tears of joy and gratitude! It is instrumental but the song makes me think how all of life is connected in the most magical way and so are our friendships! Thank you and if you get a chance to listen to it, I highly recommend it!! 🤗😘
I think Darin had something to do with that translation. I believe that anyway. He’s been with you for all the firsts, now it’s time to venture on. Keep traveling (and living) your road! 😉
Thank you Kristine! It seems we both have the same passion for life AND Italy! I do believe he is absolutely working “behind the scenes” to make this journey incredible! Wishing you, Mark and Elliott the best!!
Ironically, this was the first of your posts that didn’t make me cry. I think we can all feel your inner peace at this moment and that gives us peace in our hearts. Just thinking out loud: it’s different but related. I remember being so sad on St Patrick’s Day of 2007 because that was the last “first” holiday for my son who was born in 2006. Looking back, it’s so silly. Obviously, he still has so many firsts to go through even now as we are a few weeks away from his first day as a teenager. I wish you many more happy firsts on your road.
Thank you, V!!!
I am glad this one didn’t make you cry. Posting this felt like a turnaround moment for me and I am glad you sense my feeling of happiness. There is something about getting over the one-year hump, and finding you didn’t crumble into pieces along the way, that makes me very grateful. Each day always bring good memories and the bad memories are becoming more distant. That is all I can ask for..light and love to you my friend!!
I love this post and your choice to say “yes” to an unexpected invitation. There is a lesson for all to learn in this blog. Sometimes the best things happen to us when least expected and opportunities present themselves in ways we wouldn’t anticipate. All we have to do is embrace the moment and say yes! There is no doubt in my mind that day happened just as it should. From that conversation with Tracy, to your journey to Bologna and the beautiful sites, sounds and smells you experienced were guided by Darin. Darin wanted that dark day last year to be replaced with a new experience filled with reminders of the possibilities ahead of you. You are definitely “on the road” my dear friend. xoxo
Vicki, thank you!! It was the type of post that felt good to write. Your comments are beautiful. Embrace the moment and say, “yes”. Best advice that we need to always remember. I do believe Darin gave me the extra push…along with my sis to make it the right choice. Love ya Vicki!! Thanks for the comment. Sono sulla mia strada!!!
You handled that well, Luke and your sis gave you good advice. Remember I once told you that everything you do in life is a conscious decision, and that includes how we want to feel, both emotionally and physically. The choice is yours, and Darin will back you up all the way. Love, Papa
Dale, thank you! I agree..my sis gave me great advice. Life is always a choice with lots of twists and turns. Darin is absolutely working magic! Love, Luke.
Hi Luke,
Thanks for your post. Your words are encouraging in regard to multiple aspects of our life when it comes to losses (whether it be our beloved ones or a job one has given it everything, or a friend’s departure for a new country, and so forth). Our lives are interspersed with constant types of loss. To face them, we have to get through our ‘first times without someone/thing’ every now and again. Also, ‘firsts’ are always by definition ‘firsts’. There are no manuals or self-books to give you instructions, but yourself and your being ‘Sulla tua strada’.
We own our side of the street. I’m a firm believer that human being’s power of choice doesn’t know barriers.
Happy life ‘with’, instead of ‘without’!
Claudio, thank you for your comments. I completely agree, loss is not an isolated event. It strikes everybody throughout their lives, and I think the best word that seems to sum up my approach is to “surrender” to the contrast of it. I used to believe fighting it, faking my happiness, and attempting to bottle it was a good way…now, not so much. I find myself slipping every once in a while and restraining the emotions that must flow. I love your happy life “with” instead of “without”..there is always something to be grateful and happy for even in the darkest periods. You will always find what you seek..loss or gain. Thanks for your comment and thanks for following my posts.
So much to think about and marvel at in this post, including your amazing gift for sharing. You remind us that the journey is the destination.
Thank you, Carla. Yes..a great reminder for all of us…”The journey IS the destination!” Love hearing that.
Hi Luke! I stumbled across your blog when I was checking LinkedIn to see what you’ve been up to. I’m so sorry to hear about Darin! Your story is extraordinary, and I admire your courage. Thank you for sharing your journey – I’ve enjoyed reading your posts. You. Are. Amazing.
Stephanie!!! OH WOW!! So happy to see you on my blogl this a.m. Thank you so much for finding me and I appreciate your condolences. To say much has happened since we last spoke would be a ridiculous understatement. I appreciate your kind words about me and the blog, it has provided me a unique avenue (call it therapy if you will) to think about the the past two years, as well as create momentum for what’s possible in the future. I hope to stay in touch!! Best to you my friend!!
Beautiful said, you got this! The road may have many paths that will give you the best direction of your life! I enjoyed reading your post- continue to stay strong and stay positive!
Dexter, A thousand thank yous…grazie mille! There are so many choices to make – each with an amazing experience just waiting. I am glad you found my blog and are enjoying the posts. Thanks for all the encouragement!