“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.“
Criss Jami
I believe vulnerability is one of the least appreciated feelings in our spectrum of emotions. The Oxford Dictionary defines it as: “The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” Nobody is comfortable with the thought of physical harm, but in the emotional sense, is feeling vulnerable bad? There is something to be learned from those moments when you become a victim of circumstances beyond your control. Or worse, you find yourself exposed in a situation that tops the list of your most embarrassing moments ever. The kind of moment when all you want to do is crawl into a corner and hide. In hindsight, those situations of vulnerability leave us showing are bare selves. They force us to realize even the worst situations can be overcome. Sometimes it just takes a jarring and darkly humorous situation to remind us of that.
I just had my first Roman OSM – “Oh Shit Moment”
There is an officially sanctioned street for the gay community in Roma, Via di San Giovanni in Laterano, near the Colosseum. It was inaugurated in 2007 as “Gay Street”. It was deemed a gay-friendly zone by the city due to its long history of attracting artists and bohemian types; gays and lesbians have flocked here for decades. It also has a spectacular view of the Colosseum at night. On a Saturday night it would be hopping, and I thought it would be fun to go out and experience the nightlife of Roma for the first time since I arrived.
The Colosseum by day 
The view at night from “Gay Street”
Getting dressed to go out in Roma is daunting. People dress a bit more stylish here with long coats, scarves and great shoes. So there I am, long wool coat and scarf from London, stylish walking boots, and my new Italian jeans (which felt like I squeezed into a drinking straw). I felt like a confident Roman, despite the tourniquet pair of jeans I was wearing, as I strolled to the Metro and boarded the subway. I was expecting a fun night on the town.
After two stops into my journey, fate intervened. I have been fighting a sinus thing for a few weeks, and I felt my nose running. I reach into my coat and grabbed a Kleenex. To my surprise, I have a bloody nose. Not a simple, “this will end quickly situation,” bloody nose, but a full-blown, “I need to get to the bathroom now!” incident. With my Kleenex supply exhausted, I start looking for other options.
Thankfully, I had my pricey Ted Baker scarf from London. That scarf became the only thing that stood between me, the Metro passengers, and the looks of horror that would have erupted from their faces on a packed Metro on a Friday night. I had three more stops to go, and the bleeding became relentless. My nose was playing the lead role in a horror movie, and the backdrop was my face!
I stumbled off the Metro at the Colosseum station and attempted to cover up the crime scene with my scarf. I spotted two Metro policemen standing there. I struggled in Italian to ask for the bathroom, “Dov’è il bagno, per favore?” They saw the urgency and gestured towards the locked public bathroom. They gave me the infamous, “sorry, it sucks to be you” look, and shrugged their shoulders. While this is happening, Metro riders were streaming out of the station creating a natural buffer zone between me and them. From their reactions, you would have thought my body was wrapped in yellow crime-scene tape, in reality, it was my ego that was wrapped in shame.
I was in no condition to get back on the Metro, so I walked outside the station and found a bench in front of the Colosseum. I sat there shaking, embarrassed, and fearful. I was too intimidated to ask anyone for help, and if I did, I wasn’t even sure what they could do. For the moment it was just me, my bloody nose, and a beautiful view of the Colosseum at night. This was the first time I felt truly vulnerable in my new surroundings. I couldn’t speak the language, I didn’t have anyone to call, and I certainly didn’t want to phone a friend in the U.S. to commiserate over a nosebleed. Then the ugly thoughts flooded my head. “This is what I get for wanting to go out. Maybe it’s too soon for fun. Maybe I should have stayed at home alone…maybe..maybe..maybe.” Woefully, I thought it best to stop thinking, just sit with my head tilted to the sky and try to stop the bleeding.
As I looked up, I noticed a single star beaming through one of the archways of the Colosseum, and I stared at it. That star allowed me to focus on calming myself. It was framed by the beauty of a Roman arch suspended all alone in its own perfect place. My mind went to imagining a parallel between me and that star, both of us being alone in the Eternal City, floating exactly where we were supposed to be. Somehow, at that moment, I knew I was going to be ok. The Divine wasn’t punishing me for wanting to enjoy myself. It was simply giving me an opportunity to become stronger.
When my nosebleed finally stopped, I wrapped my sad violated scarf around my face, hid my bloodied hands in my pockets, and got back on the Metro. When I got home, I cried that night for the first time in Roma. It was a cry that comes from the realization that I have put myself in a situation that leaves me vulnerable and alone, but the experience is still worth it. When I think back on that night, it’s actually a bit humorous: “Man seeks a night on the town–reality has a different plan–man turns into a biohazard person of interest on the Roma Metro.”
My entire life has been about avoiding vulnerable moments, now I have forced myself to live in the midst of them. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Mark Twain, “Why not go out on a limb? That’s where the fruit is!” It’s scary being vulnerable in the world and taking risks, but the rewards are usually great, and hopefully you can laugh at yourself when all is said and done.
Here’s to all of those moments when we go out on a limb.
Thank you for your comments. I would love to hear about the times when you felt most vulnerable and what you learned from it. I appreciate your interest and for following The Spaghetti Diaries. Grazie mille!
Sorry I’m laughing but I am! The call from you and the story was not so funny and I felt your vulnerability but also your sense of humor and levity. You are strong and will survive (as per Gloria Gaynor words of wisdom). Love hearing your antics and wanderings of venturing into new territories! Love ya!
Linda, I’m glad the humor came through! In hindsight, it’s funny as hell. At the time, I was completely mortified. My ego was bruised and my Virgo perfectionist side was at full tilt! Thank you so much for the encouragement and the shout-out to Gloria Gaynor! We will Survive!! Luv ya and thank you!!
You write everything so beautifully. I can imagine your fears and then the wonder of that star and place in time.
You’re doing just fine! 💜💜💜
Daria, thank you! This has been an experience-rich three weeks – and so much to write about. You know me well enough to imagine the utter @#$%$#@ moment when all of it happened. And yes, then the Divine sends a beautiful life raft your way. It is beautiful!💚💚
I just want to give you a big hug! You are remarkable! Xoxox!
I always say like attracts like! So happy you liked the post and so happy to call you a friend! XOXO back to you, Sandi!
Lucca,
Thanks for sharing your scary and equally fantastic experience! I can imagaine the range of emotions you felt.. and best of all you made it back home with just a messy scarf ( hope the blood stains come out…) and a story to tell!!
Sending hugs and love ur way!!🤗❤️
Ps Iam sure there are a few Italians talking about that handsome guy they saw with a bloody nose…and wondering what the other guy looked like!!!! Ha ha
You are welcome! My Ted Baker scarf survived, after a good soaking and an hour in the Italian washing machine. It will live to see another moment (although I hope it’s less traumatic 😀). Sending hugs and love back to you…and the other guy never stood a chance!
Another awesomely written experience where you make us feel we’re there on the metro with you. I’m so glad you landed on vulnerability instead of a divine sign. Please keep writing. You have an incredible talent! Wishing you continued good experiences and adventure! A few questions… what caused the nosebleed? Maybe the Italian jeans? How come I didn’t know about this street? Keep going out on that limb!! Sending big hug
Thank you, Rob! Yes..it was definitely a vulnerable moment, and blaming the Universe would have spoiled the riches from the learning. Thank you for your words of encouragement, as long as there is a story to tell, I’m here at my keyboard. It give me such a great lift to see people enjoying my truths..the good, bad and ugly. When you visit, we’ll have so much to see and experience! Hugs back to you!
I felt what you felt as your words came to life. Oh dear!! All the way from Tennessee… “well, bless your heart!” 😳😘
I was hoping to convey the sheer terror, curiosity, and humor that unfolded all at once! It definitely deserves a “well, bless your heart!” Here’s to fewer moments of terror – and more moments of curiosity and humor! Sending love to Tennessee!
‘Eli luv, adore your writing. Love your vulnerability and strength of character. Wish I was there to shuv some cotton balls up your nose and make you go out again to strut your gorgeous stuff. Xoxo
‘ello Luv!!!! Thank you so much! Could you imagine if you were on that Metro with me..I’m not sure we would have been able to stop laughing at all of the chaos. My gorgeous stuff definitely had a set-back – but it’s up and running again! Stay gorgeous too…XOXO
“Man plans, God laughs”
Luke
Glad to see you’ve kept both your sense of humor and the Divine, and vulnerability. I kept thinking of this event happening to say, George Costanza, on NY subway and how funny that would have been. Years from now, as you’re sitting around the cafe regaling your friends in perfect Italian about this incident, you’ll be the hit of the party!
MS
Thank you Mike! I am definitely trying to always find the humor in situations (some things never change). Could you imagine a Seinfeld episode about this very same experience…hilarious! Thanks for following and always good to see your name in my inbox!
Like a good sitcom, it’s hilarious to watch; but I am sure the writer (in this case, it’s you!), who lived it was mortified at the time!
When you look back on these types of situations, you realize they all happened to teach you something about yourself.
Thank you for sharing and being “vulnerable”. I too am feeling the “v” word these days. As my story is being bought and read…and commented on!
Lou and I wish we were there to comfort you…or at least freak out and laugh about it with you later! You are one of the strongest people I know and you will go back to “Gay Street” being even more fabulous!
T-Man, thank you for your comment. Yes..the “V” word is a good thing! I like that. I have a feeling you two would have found it hilarious as much as I did, once I had a chance to relive the moment! Good luck on the book! It’s fabulous.
I have sympathy pains for you. Dan and Jessie get nose bleeds and they can be scary as hell. I bought a box of instant ice packs just for that. You just break them and get an instant cold pack. Putting ice on the bridge of the nose stops the bleed. I’m sure you were mortified. thank goodness you found a coping mechanism in the bright star. Hugs to you! Love you.
Thank you for the tip! I will keep some ice packs handy. I think my nose bleed days might be coming to one end (I hope)! Hugs back and sending lots of love to the family!
Wow…what a gift you have with the written word Luke………and what a gift you received! To reference another song…..you may not always get what you want….but you get what you need. Hope your nose bleed had no repeat episodes….but it got you to sit down and get that message….lovely story.
Hugs
Thank you Donna! You are so right – you may not get what you want…LOL. My nose bleeds have stopped..my sinuses are clearing 🙂 And yes, it forced me to take a break, look for the signs…and listen!!! That’s the best part of disruption – isn’t it? Hope all is well and you are loving the drier weather in the Desert. Hugs to you!
I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard while my heart was breaking for someone. That is one horrible experience and one crazy funny story! Thank you for sharing. You’re the best!
Carla, you know me and that sense of dread that washed over me. Few can understand me that well. You certainly do! And then it was followed by the most self-depracating humor you can imagine. Life always has an upside! XOXO
Next time pack more tissue!
No, seriously, I can relate about putting yourself out there and finding out just what you’re made of. Go big or go home, right? Since going home is now where you are then it’s go big and doing it in a great pair of walking shoes is how you embrace the change. #moveforward
Thanks Tony! Go big or go home is right. Once you commit you just have the momentum of following through with your decisions and the choices they lead you to make. It’s a very powerful feeling.
I’m a little behind on reading The Spaghetti Diaries and this one is awesome! It is so easy sometimes to get wrapped up in all the negative no matter how positive of a person you might be. Vulnerability never was my strong suit either so I appreciated reading this on how to turn that around into something to learn from. In retrospect to some of my vulnerable life moments, it is so true that each one of them is something I learned from. It might not always hit you at the moment the vulnerability is happening as did this instance for you but it eventually does if you are paying attention! Big hug and can’t wait to read about more of your adventures!
And I am so glad you are ok!
Yes! I am ok! 🙂
I’m glad you are enjoying the posts..yes..for vulnerability! I think if we all practiced this feeling, we’d find so much more love in the world. Isn’t it true that we all are looking for that one connection when you know somebody gets it..and understands? And I agree with you..the learning never hits at the time..it’s always the retrospective point of view! Thank you again, Debbie! XOXO
Luke, I am simply overwhelmed when I read your stories! They present a different view on how to deal with the the grief that has haunted me since my husband Kenn’s death December 1, 2018. Your writing has opened my soul to a new and radical way of healing. Hope to meet you this summer! Caio, Robert [Brigette’s friend]
Robert, first of all, let me say I am sorry for your husband’s transition out of this world and into the next. It sounds as if you had a beautiful life together and the pain is directly related to the greatness of your love. It hurts so bad, because it was so good. I appreciate your comments on my blog. I do hope to give people a different perspective, only from my eyes, on how we grieve and how we go forward. There is no moving out of grief, simply moving forward, and away from the event. Robert, know that you are not alone, and that I will keep your journey in my thoughts. I hope to meet you as well when you arrive in the summer. Ciao, Luke