I just finished watching a beautiful film tonight recommended by a friend. It is called “Made in Italy.” The lead character, played by Liam Neeson, is a widowed father who returns to Tuscany with his son to sell his Italian wife’s family home years after her death. It was the home where they spent most of their early years before a car accident took her life.
I don’t want to give away the film, but of course, it has all the right elements. A beautiful ruins-to-riches house remodel of a long-abandoned Tuscan palazzo.
Coupled with that, you will find a host of tensions that arise as father and son unload a lifetime of deferred grief on each other after the passing of the maternal figure in the house.
There are cypress trees dotting small hillside villages, an homage to Italian food and culture, and of course, budding romance.
Although the story was somewhat predictable, it was worth the 5 euro rental fee. It was a terrible mess of life’s unspoken feelings, unresolved conflicts, and unanswered questions. It finishes with a beautiful Tuscan ending brought to you by your friends in Hollywood, California.
In the end, there is a gift of understanding and acceptance of what life has brought into full realization for all involved.
It all happens in just under two hours, which isn’t how healing usually works. But hey, it’s Hollywood.
It was my interpretation of the film that moved me to share some very simple thoughts with you about recognizing the gift underneath the struggle, the pain, and the mess of life.
Hello 53. What took you so long.
My mess in life this week culminated in turning 53 and a hard reentry into Rome after a beautiful but emotionally revealing vacation in Greece.
My 53rd year began on the same day I returned home. (Note to self…never travel on your birthday!) After arriving home, unpacking my suitcases, and getting Sofia settled into her dog routine once again, I found myself relishing in all the posts on Facebook. Dozens of people around the world wished me a happy birthday. It was soberingly beautiful.
Many people were saying wonderful things like, “I hope you are celebrating it in your special way!” or, “I’m sure you are doing something fantastic on your special day.”
The reality of something fantastic was comprised of 12 hours of travel, one late ferry, two late flights, and two uneventful taxis. It was, however, worth the travel to be able to experience the beauty of Greece.
After unpacking my bags, I sat in a hot tub of water scanning Facebook while attempting to soothe a persistent hemorrhoid. That little bastard had been following me around Europe for weeks. Welcome to 53..the first day of the rest of your life!
Can we ask for too many gifts?
My thoughts drifted away into what I thought 53 would look like for me, and even the question of what gifts should I expect in the coming year. I mean, it seemed appropriate to be talking about gifts since it was my birthday.
Am I asking too much from the Universe to expect more than what I have already seen and experienced? Is there a place that exists where I will once again feel like I did so many years ago? Will things ever be comfortable, kind, and predictable, and will the world seem less crazy? Where is my ancient Tuscan palazzo to discover just like in the film?
My 53-year-old body carried all of its memories, challenges, desires, and even the temporary discomfort of a hemorrhoid. I realized it may never find the destination it longs for, but the path will be full of things that will forever change me, hopefully for the better.
There will always be kindness and comfort along the way. My goal is to recognize it for what it is, a gift, instead of what I think it should be, and what others tell me it should be.
Darin’s passing has been on my mind lately. Perhaps it’s my aging and feelings of uncertainty.
I don’t write very often about the last weeks of Darin’s life. Mainly because it brings up incredible emotions: anger, resentment, guilt, and sadness. But there are times when I recognize there were beautiful moments as well.
There was something that happened those last few weeks that will always remain with me. It had to do with the gift that sits underneath the mess.
In the darkest moments, look for the gift.
In the last days of Darin’s consciousness, before morphine and lorazepam did their job, there were moments of lucidness. They would arise in the most unexpected ways.
Our bedroom in our home in Palm Desert became a visiting room for family and friends. Everybody who wanted to spend time with Darin in those final days would pull up a chair beside the bed. They used their time to do or say whatever they felt they needed to do or say. Darin was often in and out of consciousness, but he never failed to recognize a visitor. At times, there would be 5 or 6 of our friends and family sitting in that bedroom.
It was during one of those group sessions when Darin abruptly sat up and started speaking. His eyes were fixed on the television that hung on the wall, as he asked us, “What are those people doing?” He continued, “Don’t you see them? Why are they standing there and why are they looking at me?”
The television had been turned off for several weeks, so for the rest of us, there was nothing but the grayish-black reflection of the bedroom in its glass panel. We entertained his illusion for a few moments.
But then he said something that took the entire room full of visitors by surprise. He said, “They are all standing there with gifts in their hands. They are waiting for me with gifts.”
He saw something on the TV, while the rest of us remained speechless. He had a sense of fearless anticipation, and whatever he saw on that TV was something we couldn’t. The energy in the room changed.
I realize that our perception of the world is limited to what we choose or believe to see. If someone tells us that things are terrible and difficult, our thinking requires tears, fear, and mourning. If someone sees gifts in the blankness, we too begin to tune into the gratefulness.
Darin had just turned 55 a few months before, not too far in advance of my age of 53. However, after his battle, Darin was ready. He was ready to see the gifts on the other side. Darin was able to see past the mess.
Thanks for the gift
A good friend of mine has been undergoing a significant life change over the last several years. Our conversations often lead to discussions about recognizing the underlying gift in the mess of life. Or, more appropriately, the mess that sits between what we think life should be instead of what it is.
This person encouraged me to write about seeing the gift underneath the mess of our expectations. And for that, I am grateful.
I’ve written before about the messiness of life (see this posting), but this time I am trying to see it for what it could be instead of what initially presents itself. It seems to mean more now after this last birthday, as I prepare for the coming year ahead. I face 53 with the anticipation of what gifts I will find ahead.
And finally, for all of you who reached out to celebrate with me, I thank you for the gift of your love and friendship.
Happy belated birthday! If you ever find yourself in the Bay Area – do let me know. I live in San Anselmo now. Left the Frenchman behind and enjoying my California world for now. Love keeping up with your adventures and say hi to Sophia!
Clemence
Thank you!! How are you? You and I both left our Frenchmen behind 😂. I’m happy that you are enjoying your California life! All is well in Rome and Sofia says, “Hello!” She hasn’t changed a bit. Sending love your way!
Such a beautiful and uplifting message. As always, thanks for sharing your gifts.
Thank you!!! I always enjoy sharing even when it’s a bit messy. 🤗🤗. Be well! Sending big hugs your way!
Love, love, love this Luke. Thanks for sharing a bit of yourself at 53. You’re still a puppy by the way, ask Sofia. Just know it only gets better from here. ❣️
Thank you, Toni! I hope you are enjoying being back stateside for a bit. When you’re ready, we’ll be ready for you and Mike. I sometimes feel like that old dog trying to learn new tricks, and other times, like a disobedient puppy that should stay in the doghouse for a while 🙂 Sending you lots of love!
This was beautiful, Luke! Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Love you and miss you so much! ❤️
Awww…this makes me smile. Thank you for receiving all of my messy stories..good and bad. Love you dearly and miss you girls! I hope we can reconnect in the near future! XOXO
Happy Birthday Luke! Thanks for the good cry this morning! :-). But seriously, thank you for sharing your life, your experiences, your feelings…We think about you all the time, and I love following along on Instagram. 53 may have started off bumpy (no pun intended), but there will be better days ahead. Love and miss you!!
I’m glad I could give your morning a reason to want to go back to bed. 🙃🙃 I find myself crying and then laughing often. I think about you both and miss those wonderful times together. There will be more, in time. That I am sure of my friend. And what’s up with those birthday bumps that arrived early this year and made it a month that just keep on giving 🤔🤔. Love and miss you too!
A case of art imitating life. The film you referenced is the first time Liam Neeson has directly reflected on his wife’s death 14 years ago. I always thought that his film choices after her accident reflected his bitterness and anger at the unfairness of his experience (most are vengeful films, films about loners or films about vengeful loners with some incurable disease). So it was interesting that he and his son took this project on. It is certainly good to see him softening and opening up – he’s a very fine actor that really needs to get back to doing serious work.
On the same theme, the area where the film was shot is stunning (a little touristy, for sure, but breathtaking still). It’s only maybe 2 hours drive north of Rome to Montalcino (of Brunello noteriety). Given that the entire planet has been influencer-ed to death to go to Puglia, Southern Tuscany & Umbria / Montepulciano/Montalcino/Orvieto/Bavagna is probably worth re-visiting. Issy and I honeymooned there and returned ten years ago. Bellissimo! There’s also a great restaurant in Sant’Angelo in Colle near to where a lot of the movie was filmed.
And thank you for the update on your Chalfonts.
Johnny x
Thank you, Johnny. I didn’t realize the backstory, but it all makes sense now. I agree, Liam is a very fine actor, and it was nice to see him and his son, Michael, acting together. I have been to Montalcino with our mutual friend, Maurine. We spent a day tasting some fantastic Brunello and admiring the stunning views. But now, I’m thinking I may need to revisit that again before it becomes too frenetic and people start putting pink flamingoes in the front yards of their palazzi toscani. Please give hugs to everyone. XOXO
Lou, thank you for another touching moment. Always love and admire the unending curiosity for life and the amazingly grateful heart. Happy belated birthday and may 53 bring you more gifts in the most unexpected places and ways.
Thank you Lisa! It’s always so wonderful to hear from you. Thank you for your very kind words. Those gifts keep coming, although sometimes the wrapping paper is a bit of a challenge 😀. Let’s stay curious and grateful to what life shares with us. Be well my friend!
Beautifully said. I remember the “gifts” day.
I think about that often. It actually gave me some peace about traveling on after this world. You’re doing an amazing job of living life and acknowledging its gifts. I say “You find what you look for.”
So why not look for the good things!
Love you 💜
Thank you. I remember everything about that day so clearly. It really was a beautiful moment that appeared under a very difficult time. It also gives me peace about where we go when we finish our work here. Thank you my dear sister. I will keep looking for the gifts! ❤️
❤️💙❤️
❤️🤗❤️
This was such a beautiful and hopeful post, thak you for sharing. And, happy belated birthday! 53 looks good on you!
Thank you! What a nice thing to hear. Great to see your message. 53 has its advantages 😀. I hope all is well and I thank you for following along!
Lucca, beautifully written as always. I too think of Darin often. He was a beautiful and sweet man! An u mister are a gift to us all! Keep seeing the gifts beyond the mess!!!!
Much love and hi to Sophiaaaaa❤️🐾🥂
Thank you. Darin was a beautiful person and I think he is still telling me to keep my eyes wide open and sort through the things that are messy and find what’s on the other side of that. Love you both and of course the 🐾🐾🐾🐾. I look forward to the day when we can reconnect and laugh those big belly laughs. Sending ❤️❤️❤️ to you.