Taking care of business
I can finally say, that I’m settling in and taking care of business in Rome. After over four months things have finally settled and I feel like I have accomplished a pretty good list of must-dos to get me settled.
The entire country of Italy is partially shut-down for the annual vacation season with August 15, ferragosto being ground-zero for Italian holidays. Almost every Italian went to the beach, the mountains, or somewhere with their families and friends a week or two before and after. Life won’t return to normal until September. Rome is quiet with only tourists who thought they would find the city fully open simply milling around and wondering, “Where are all the italiani?”
Marco, the building porter, and I are holding down the palazzo. I returned from Switzerland to an empty building. All of the residents are on holiday. It’s strangely quiet, but at least Marco and I keep each other company.
If you’re ever planning a vacation in Italy, avoid August for that reason. Also, the temperature can be suffocating. You’ll find many of the businesses closed and the beaches bursting at the seams with visitors. The temperatures hover in the mid to high-30s centigrade (the high 90s in Fahrenheit). June, early July, or September is always better.
Tripsavvy.com published a great article on the best times to visit Italy, depending on where you are going and what you are looking to do. If you’re planning a trip, it’s a great pre-read.
Excuse me doctor, but I need a few tests done
Part of my to-do list has been to meet my physician and follow through with my health screenings since leaving France in April.
I’m due for my regular round of STD tests (one can never be too cautious). I am a bit behind on my regular blood screenings. And the most exciting thing, I’m overdue for a colonoscopy. La dolce vita includes a regular colonoscopy for me.
So being the active single 51-year-old I am, I make my STD tests a priority. The last thing I want to carry around with me is a gift that keeps on giving.
So I went to a private clinic that handles all of those sorts of things that people have to worry about in the nether regions. It was a very chic clinic with potted orchids, frosted windows to hide the patients from the public, and even a little zen water fountain to create soothing sounds. Nothing in this clinic said, “We do STDs here!”
I find the physician visits in Italy to be far more personal and attentive than in my American experience. It’s not unusual to spend 30 or 45 minutes just talking with your doctor. I have never felt the doctors were impatient or rushed to send me on my way. If you want to read a great doctor story, this was one of my favorite posts from three years ago.
The doctor was there and willing to see me and answer my questions before my official appointment. He was around 30 years old, which just exacerbated my humility. Here I was talking about all sorts of things to him, and he was far more experienced in modern-day dating and sex than I was. He rattled off an entire list of questions that made me blush and almost not want to answer. We agreed that some lab tests were in order, and I would return in a week to review the results.
A week later I returned. After a clean bill of health on the blood tests, the doctor tells me he would like to examine me. He said to me, “I want to make sure everything looks fine. Do you have any problems? Are you aware of any abnormalities? Do you check your entire body regularly?”
I said, “Sure, I’m always relatively aware of what’s happening to my body.”
He then floored me when he casually said, “Do you inspect your anus regularly?” And that was the end of pride as I knew it. I thought he was joking.
I couldn’t help but laugh when I responded, “Excuse me doctor, did you say my anus?”
“Yes,” he replied, “Your anus.”
So after I stopped smiling like a 10-year-old who just heard the teacher say penis for the first time in a sex education class, I had to explain myself to him.
“You’ll have to excuse me, doctor. I’m far more American than Italian. We Americans spend our entire lives trying to forget we even have an anus. We may not have invented anal-retentive behavior, but we certainly perfected it. No, I don’t inspect my anus regularly.”
He smiles and responds, “You should pay attention to everything. Don’t forget about your anus.”
Let me see, how would that look as part of my morning routine: 1. Teeth are flossed and brushed, check. 2. Ears are clean, check. 3. Hair is styled, check. 4. Anus looks good. I’m ready to take on the day!
No matter how much I try to liberalize my thinking, a conversation about my anus makes me uncomfortable.
I said to him, “I’m not even sure how to inspect my anus. What does one look for? How does one see it?” He suggested I buy a hand mirror on Amazon.com or use my iPhone and take a picture. If something looks different then I should consult him.
My face said everything.
I keep a lot of photos on my iPhone and share them freely. I can imagine with one small error of a swipe and my anus would be trending on Instagram: #checkyouranus.
After everything was clear, and I mean thoroughly clear, we agreed I would return in three months. He did suggest a few prescriptions from the pharmacy, which I could stop and buy on the way home.
And the fun continues in the pharmacy
So in the midst of the shame and naivety of my clinical visit and my anus, I then move on to the pharmacy. I have a list of prescriptions to give the pharmacist, and I need to pick up a few other “personal” related products. You know the routine.
So as I spot what I’m looking for, there is this lovely signora standing next to everything that I need. She was probably around 75 years old patiently waiting for her prescriptions to be filled. Her attire was beautiful, and she had an air of sophistication. However, she was standing near all of the sex-related products.
However, this beautiful signora is standing between me and what I need. She’s an obstacle, a gentle and beautiful obstacle, but nevertheless, she was between me and the goods.
I couldn’t bare the thought of reaching around her while she watched me fill up on all those necessary items. So I waited a bit.
An opportunity opened up as the signora steps closer to the counter. She leaves me just enough room to step behind her and quickly grab what I need. Just when I thought I was clear to move freely, she takes a step back and bumps into me.
It was the bump that was heard throughout the pharmacy as a cascade of condoms, lubricant, massage oils, and genital deodorant spray bottles fell to the ground. I’m literally looking at a pile of products that are shouting, “Hey..you need to buy me if you’re having sex!”
The signora smiles at me.
I look at the signora and return a nervous smile as I say, “Mi scusi signora…la vergogna! Excuse me madame, the shame!”
The signora smiles and says, “Perché vergogna? Non c’e niente di cui vergognarsi. Why the shame, there is nothing of which one should be ashamed.”
And in that moment, I laughed so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. There was a beautiful signora in front of me that had more confidence in her sexuality than I did. Maybe that was her experience talking, maybe it was a lifetime in Rome.
And finally, “It is nice to meet you…again?
The last adventure happened a few days ago. I found it terribly funny and also terribly embarrassing. However, I couldn’t wait to write about it.
I have been chatting with “Leonardo” for several months on a dating app. He lives in Rome, but his origins are from Puglia, an area that many of you know, I simply adore. He’s handsome, about my age, great physique, and he is pugliese. He checks all the boxes.
We finally agree to have a caffè late one afternoon since Leonardo was in the area.
Upon showing up for our introduction, I immediately say, “Finalmente..dopo sette mese, ci incontriamo. Finally, after seven months we meet!”
The first thing he says as we sit down, “You have a very familiar face. How do we know each other?”
In all actuality, I couldn’t remember his face, and trust me, Leonardo had an unforgettable face.
So I say, “I’m not sure we met before, perhaps it was the photos we shared several months ago.”
We talk for a while, and then a lightbulb goes off in Leonardo’s head. He proceeds to recite my entire story. “You were in France, you have a small dog that doesn’t like to walk. You lived in Torino….etc..etc.”
I’m a bit dumbfounded. So I say, “Perhaps we did meet albeit briefly…(cue the nervous smile)?
He says, “No I’m sure we spent some time together.”
Now, I’m completely embarrassed about my lack of recognition of this very handsome man, who apparently I have spent some time with in the past. He obviously knows more about me than I do about him. He seems to find the situation funny. Maybe this has happened to him before.
I ask him the only other logical question that remains unresolved, “Did we sleep together?”
He responds, “Yes, we did.”
With a blushing face, I ask him, “Well, was it good?”
He smiled and responded, “Assolutamente!”
Thanks for reading, “Excuse me, doctor”. It felt liberating to write this post. As always, I share with you those things that I find fascinating about living in a foreign country, even one that I now consider my home. Every day there is always something that challenges my beliefs or my expectations about how a situation should go, versus reality. Thanks again for following along with The Spaghetti Diaries.
Omg Lou! That was hilarious 😀. Thanks so much for the afternoon fun! Can’t wait for the next installment
Thank you Jayne! I’m glad you enjoyed it..I actually had remembering it all and putting it into words. Have a great weekend..thanks for staying connected.
Omgosh! Cracking up. Thanks for sharing! Best one yet.
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I agree..it’s a goodie. I’ve raised the bar on salaciousness..sending big hugs to you my dear and Ms. Judy Rae! XOXO
Hot dang, the latter half was spicy! It’s not surprising you forgot the gent from Puglia, when you go at 100 Mpr life can seem a blur. LOL
P.S. Do you remember the recorded, fake voice mail message from CVS we used to play? That women with the dull, bored tone and slight Brooklyn accent? The drug store portion of your diary brought the memory roaring back. “This is CVS calling, your anal wart medicine, extra small condoms etc etc etc, are ready for pick up”.
Kisses, hugs/squeezes & love all sent your way, hope you feel it.
Oh my gosh! Yes, it was definitely spicy. Imagine how that coffee went down! I pretty much was speechless on multiple fronts. At least being speechless in Italian doesn’t feel any different than being speechless in English. And yes, I do remember that voice! “Hello this is CVS calling”…Cue the list of things we never want to discuss. I feel all the love over here! Thank you and sending all that love back at you!
WTF! You’re just leaving us hanging! What happened next? Love the Signora episode. So Italiano. At the end of the day we’re happy you’re healthy. Can’t wait for the next installation. 💖😎
Thank you my dear friend..some stories must wait to be told. AHAHAH…look forward to seeing you on your return! Sending lots of love to you and Michael.
As always, I’m so captivated my your writing, your attitude, and your willingness to boldly go where life takes you.
Thank you my dear friend. And you captivate me! Congratulations on our mutual journeys of discovery and reinvention! Let’s keep going, boldly!🙏😘
That certainly has given me a giggle with my tea in bed! Hilarious!
I’m glad I could give you a giggle while you were doing the proper English bed-time tea. Sending you lots of love and give those French boys a hug for me!
That made me – and it appears everyone else here – laugh out loud.
I had my colonoscopy procedure in mid-May, which was entirely a non-event apart from the preparation…which I will leave in the capable hands of a fellow former patient. This was sent to me a couple of days before I went in by a friend to sooth any potential stress.
https://amp.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article1928847.html?fbclid=IwAR3RBpOVC2fUUxAOZl81LJkyBNDhHFVv-eZzahtCNDXuiQ3sjg920ukRxmE
I’m so glad you enjoyed it, Johnny.
You know this will be my second one. In America, they simply knock you out cold. Here in Italy, they like to keep you partially aware of what’s happening and talking with the doctor. That’s nothing I want to experience or converse about during the procedure. I found a great doctor that guarantees I won’t remember anything nor be aware of anything! That’s what I’m striving for out of this experience.
The article was hilarious..how serious was he about mixing vodka with MoviPrep? 🙂
Oh, I was anaesthetised, although I had prepared some light conversational chit-chat in the event of my not fully taking to the tranquiliser. 😀
Always the Boy Scout “Be Prepared”.
Brilliant! And such joyful and liberated writing, reads like you were having a ball. As it were…
Xx
Thank you Christine! Yes..it was a liberating moment. And I enjoyed reliving the most hilarious moments from the last few weeks. It would seem I am having a ball or two! Look forward to connecting this week. Thank you as always for your support and guidance. Xx
OMG. I’m not sure I can stop laughing long enough to even write a response. Absolutely hysterical! So glad you are happy, healthy, and living your best (albeit occasionally embarrassing) life.
Omg your story gives new meaning to “the doctor is in”…🙃I loved each of the stories!! And you apparently made quite an impression on Leonardo!!!! Hmm can’t wait until your next episode I mean story… keep ‘em coming…sort of a pun intended!
Love u Lucca and hugs to Sophiaaaa! Come to Napa the house is done and the landscape done in a few weeks!🐾🥂❤️
Luke, I agree that it is a cliffhanger ending! I, too, look forward to the next chapter..please don’t keep us waiting too long. Love the self assuredness of the Italians regarding sexuality. Such a refreshing change from the puritan attitude we have in the states. The signora sounds so elegant!!
It was certainly meant to keep you in a bit of suspense..you’ll have to read the next chapter for the update! I will say the Europeans have mastered self-assuredness. I’m learning a lot from them! The signora was a gem!
THIS made my day!! So funny! I can’t wait for your book – and it NEEDS to be made into a movie!
I am so happy you enjoyed it, and that it brought some laughter into your day. The book is a slow but steady turtle in the process. Thank you, Cheryl. I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend. Thanks for following along! XOXO
Amazing story telling. When is the book coming? Xoxo
Thank you!! It’s a work in progress. I’m actually about 10,000 words at this point – but it’s a slog 🙂 Every writing session is a mini-therapy session…as it should be. Sending lots of love to you in Branford! XOXO
Finally just had the chance to read your newest post, have not stopped laughing as of yet. You definitely describe every minute very well. If you keep forgetting gorgeous faces in your life you may want to get a secretary to keep track of them for you, lol. Too bad Sophia can’t type!!😜😁😅💕
I am so happy it made you laugh. That was the intent. Every day..there is always something to make us laugh. My life is comic rich right now. I am looking at hiring a temporary employee to manage my dating calendar. 🤔🤔🤔 Seriously, my life is full of wonderful things and it seems easy to lose a little memory along the way. Sofia has refused all job offers. 🐾🐾🐾
Assolutamente…may we all get such a review!
Few words say everything. Even with my lapse of memory and maybe a little judgement, I was pleased. 😀
HILARIOUS ! Your telling of the events gives my imagination freedom to imagine it all
But mostly the farmacia ! You definitely entertained me . 😂
Keep sharing Luca aspetto sempre l’anticipazione 😉
I am leaving for Statigliano to take my parents ashes to family mausoleum
What were the names of you grandparents from statigliano ?
I am continuing my family research and they were born same time as my mother
1924. Lombardi , Di’mateo, cunti, Fiero let me k ow if your interested
Per una Bella vita !
Gina, I am so glad you enjoyed it and I am happy to give your mind room to run a bit.
I wish you a wonderful journey to Statigliano and I am sure your parents will be surrounded by all of the beautiful people that came before them.
When you are in Statigliano, you will see many Lombardo, Cunti Rossi, Di Matteo and other recognizable markers. Those were my family names as well. I am sure we are distant family. Lombardi was simply the pluralized version of Lombardo, usually the same family just changed over time. You will find the city quiet and tranquil, but ask around..our distant family members still are there.
You will find the cemetery just outside of the town in the road that leads south if I remember correctly. I have a beautiful memory of my visit with my sister four years ago this month.
Please keep in touch and I wish I could join you in person.
Be well and thank you!
Luke