“I am unwritten, can’t read my mind. I’m undefined
I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand. Ending unplanned”
Natasha Bedingfield – “Unwritten”
In four days I’ll celebrate my 50th birthday. If somebody tells you that being 50 is the new 40, that’s because they probably have already turned 60. The view doesn’t feel so good a few days before.
First of all, let me just acknowledge the elephant in the room. This is a horrible year to be self-pitying about birthdays. The world is having its own coming of age moment that far overshadows my birthday. I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself. However, if hibernation was an option, I would have chosen that instead of being a witness to 2020 and my 50th. “Hold all my calls, forget my 50th birthday and please wake me up in 2021!” With everything that is happening around the world, a milestone birthday shouldn’t be my concern. Nevertheless, it is, and so I am writing about it.
An unexpected start to a new decade
If someone would have asked me ten-years ago, “What will your life be like at age 50?” I think my thoughts would have been:
- I would remain happily married and celebrate all of those important holidays and events with long-time friends and family,
- My rewarding corporate career would continue as I marched towards that symbolic prize of retirement,
- Leaving California would be difficult, but I wouldn’t mind living in Europe for a bit,
- I wouldn’t have imagined earning all of those scarlet letter labels so quickly; W (widower), M (mature), G (greying), S (single), F (foreigner).
- Oh, and no way would I have thought I’d be a “Daddy” in the online dating world. Apparently, there are a lot of 20-somethings out there with father issues. If Tinder swipes, woofs and taps by 20-year olds were euros, I’d have that house on the Amalfi Coast by now.
As far as decades of life go, this last one delivered the most significant coming of age chapter for me. It was full of sweetness and bitterness, yet carefully spaced out so that I could absorb all of the changes. It allowed me to grow, sometimes painfully, but always grow.
Intermission is over. Please take your seats.
If my life was a Broadway show, (As a gay man, I like that comparison.), intermission is over and Act 2 is about to start. It feels like I need to center, take some steps forward and once again begin to construct life in a framework that can support my next act. The actors are changing, the backdrops evolving, and the storyline unwritten, but there is a framework in place to construct the story.
I think I had my first mid-life crisis in my mid-40s, but apparently we are entitled to more than one. This latest one is the realization that the road in front of me is a shorter than the road behind me, and I can start to see how the second half of the show is going to shake out.
On these final days of my 49th year, I’m taking inventory of life; what it was, and what it will be. The goal is to move into this next phase willingly and happily, absent the kicking, screaming and denial that is always nipping at my ego. So here we go – let’s do this coming of age thing!
I’m not ungrateful. Seriously, I’m really not!
As I write this post, I’m sitting looking out the window of an apartment in the 5th arrondissement of Paris (Parigi in italiano.) I am here to start a four-week intensive French language class, and there is no better place to learn French than in Parigi. I’ll be exploring the city for the next four weeks while I attend daily classes to build conversational knowledge. I’m going to try and take this language-learning process a bit easier than I did with italiano. Learning French should be an adventure versus a survival course. I will be satisfied if I can get to the same level of French as I did with Italiano. Then I know I can move between both countries and function well enough to enjoy the best of both.
I’m sure this probably sounds awfully selfish, but this wasn’t the place I thought I would be to celebrate turning 50, and I certainly didn’t expect to be alone. However, I am fortunate that I got to make the choice to be here. I know many people around the world have had their choices made for them and their plans interrupted this year. From weddings and virtual graduations, to Skype birthday parties and drive-by funerals, this has been a difficult year for so many. In the grandest view of the world, my birthday is a small minor inconvenience among the millions of coming of age stories this year.
But my story here in Parigi will end well, even though I’m solo. At midnight on September 3, I plan on being in front of the Eiffel Tower to watch its dazzling light show. It will be an appropriate way to mark the moment, cast out some good energy, and begin a fitting transition to my second act.
I appreciate all of you going along for the literary coming of age ride with me. My next post will be filled with lots of pictures and stories from Parigi, assuming I don’t leap from the top of the Eiffel Tower while I’m there. Be well and stay well. In the meantime, enjoy a few photos from my first few days here.
Hôtel de Ville – City Hall in Paris 
The 5th arrondissement – St-Michel 
The Metropolitan Stations signs are beautiful. 
La Chapelle de la Sorbonne 
The Seine 
Panthéon in the distance 
La Fontaine Saint Michel
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Hi Luke, You are such a good writer, articulating the fears attached to turning 50. You are amazing!
Cate,
Thank you my friend. What a nice comment. You are making me blush with gratefulness. Yes those fears are real but like everything, you face them, you stop coloring your hair, and you move on 😁. It’s time to enjoy the fabulous fifties (I think)🤔. Thanks for your kind comments.
Happiest of birthdays to you! Thanks for sharing you stories. John and I really enjoy your writing!
Thank you my friend! What a gift to to see you pop up in my comments..and thank you for your encouragement! I will be a good birthday, different, but good. I hope you and John are doing well during these crazy times and you are enjoying the summer. Be well and stay well!
Buon Compleanno Luke!! May this next chapter be filled with joy and adventure. I hope to be able to travel soon and go and see you so we can raise a glass of some of the fine wine in whichever country you happen to be in at the time!! All the best for the future.
Grazie mille, Mina! How are you? I cannot wait to reunite after all these years. Let’s definitely grab a wine somewhere. There are good choices to be had everywhere! All the best to you too, my friend. Stay kind and be well!
First time commenting on your blog, but I read them all and love your writing. Approaching 50 next year myself 😔 with a lot of mixed emotions myself. Happy Birthday for the 3rd, looking forward to your next blog.
Pamela,
It’s a pleasure to see your comment, and I so do appreciate your encouragement. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one in my group facing those mixed emotions. I know many say “bring it on!” I’m thinking more like, “Can I test drive 50 a bit before I commit to buy it?” Let’s take the jump collectively – I’ll go first and tell you how the water is 🙂 I promise the next blog will be written from the point of view of a more-matured, slightly grayer-haired, and hopefully more accepting me! Be well, and thank you again.
Happy birthday! Your entertaining and often inspiring and thought-provoking diaries have been so welcome. I am a complete stranger to you, yet, you have given me much hope as you journey through life. It may be your birthday but you are the gift to all of us. Thank you.
Kelli!
Thank you. Your note was my first birthday 🎁. The good news is now we are no longer strangers 😁.
I am happy to hear that my writing has a positive impact on you. I do want to give others hope..hope in themselves, hope in the world, and hope that life has got your back regardless of what you are facing.
Sometimes I have my doubts, but something always lifts me up when I need it. Your note this morning (as I walk to my first day of French class 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️) was my inspiration.
Be well and thank you again. I hope we continue to stay in touch and perhaps our paths will cross one day.
Luke
Lucca,
You are an “old soul” and it is about time you come roaring into ur 5th decade! And let me remind u mister.. ur not alone u have so many friends that love u dearly!
Gina and I are wishing you an early happy BD!🎂😌❤️
Ps hugs and kisses to u and Sophia!!!🐾❤️
LOL. This old soul has been roaring..apparently time has caught up finally.
Thank you for the reminder. I have a wonderful network of friends that will be celebrating with me in spirit!! I include you both among them. Love you dearly as well..and I look forward to the next time when we can be together and swap old soul stories! 😂😘🤗
Ha. I just flashed on David Sedaris’ book “Me Talk Pretty One Day” about his learning French from what had to be one of the meanest teachers ever. Enjoy your adventure, I applaud you treating that wonderful brain of yours as a rubber band. HBD bestie, enjoy your cake day on September 3. Some of my best peeps were born that week.
Ok..i need to read that book. I was fortunate that my new French instructor, Claire, was gentle and kind on our first day. It was all about numbers, months, days, and names…but boy the French have a crazy numbering process. I’m indoctrinating into the Parisian life, and doing everything I can to keep my calorie count under control.
My brain is definitely feeling a bit rubbery and stretchy..but my Italian helped tremendously. Thank you..Bestie! I’ll have a smile on my face thinking of you, Dan and the girls. Be well..and give hugs to everyone.
I so enjoyed this latest read. Happy Birthday! Embrace the grey. It looks great on you! I envy your ability to learn a new language. Good Luck! Give Sophia a hug! 😍 Love you
Oh that makes me feel wonderful!! I’m trying to embrace the grey..but I was hoping for a bit more pepper to go with the salt. Oh well 😔. We will see if French takes me through the mental ringer. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻 I will be able to ask where the bathroom is by the end of my first week. Sofia got your hug and sent one back. Love you dear! 😘🤗
Turning 50 wasn’t bad, Turning 40 For me was the worst life crisis. I feel age has brought a “go with the flow” factor to my life. I don’t rush to the next big idea. I believe aging is to be enjoyed and not feared. Enjoy your special day, you’ve earned it!
Todd, I’m glad you only had one mid-life crisis :). I do feel like I could be dealt a potential second one any minute. I agree, as I have gotten older, I find myself far more real about what matters and what doesn’t, along with where I choose to take a stand, and where I’ll choose to fight another day. I’m quite happy with the maturing of my personality, it’s the body that I would like to slow down a bit. LOL. Thank you for the birthday wishes and for following along. I hope you have a great week!
Happy Birthday, my friend! If you’re looking for a good, funny book to read…David Sedaris “Me Talk Pretty One Day.” He covers his adventures in Paris taking French classes…it is laugh out loud funny. I enjoyed it so much, I bought all of his books! He has your hilarious sense of humor. As always, I love your writings!
Thank you my friend!!! 😁🤗.
I must read this book. Karen also suggested it and both of you know how to laugh. Today we learned French numbers..🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️. Oh my..my Italian helps tremendously but still a challenge! I’m not sure I will ever get to “pretty” but I will be content to count to 100. 😁😁
Thank you for your continued encouragement. Sending a big hug to you!!
I’m so excited for you! Such an adventure. I will miss celebrating your birthday with you! I hope you and Sophia have the most fabulous day. Love you!
Thank you Ms. Linda! I will miss being with you as well..and I will definitely have a toast for all of those birthdays we spent together in all of those fantastic places. I know Paris is one of your favorites, so I will be thinking of you the entire time I am here. Love ya!
So sad that I can’t celebrate with you on your 50th like you did for mine!! I will be with you in spirit on Wednesday night. Make it exciting and enjoy the moment!!
Grazie cara sorella! Festeggeremo presto! We will celebrate when you come visit soon. It will be my 50th year-long celebration. Una festa di Luke 🍾. 😘😁
Happy Birthday! Safe travels. Josef Aukee
Thank you Josef! What a nice note to see this morning. Good to hear from you, and thank you for your greetings. It was a great day! Be well.
Luke – you tell me how I explain to Jill I’ve been living life vicariously through a 50 year old gay man in Paris. Not
that there’s anything wrong with that. Great post and happy birthday!
Mike, I’m laughing in Paris reading this.
Well I won’t tell if you don’t tell 😁😁😁. No seriously, when life gives you these kind of adventures, it’s a shame to waste it and not share the story.
I am glad you enjoyed the post.
Be well and give Jill and the kids a “Salut!” from me.
Oh my goodness, this is one of your best posts yet. The emotions you can bring out while reading this. I’m so happy for you, exploring, evolving, and sharing with us!
That sunflower patch is amazing. The things your are getting to see are incredible. I know at times it can be difficult, but you are so filortunate and I know you embrace that. 😙
Xoxo
Thank you my dear friend!! I’m glad it struck the right emotions. Coming of age: We all have to do it..and everybody has a different story.
When in doubt, I think sunflowers 🌻 have the right idea! I thank my God everyday to be fortunate. It’s a good life and a good journey ahead.
Sending a big hug to you! Be well!
-Luke
Thank you for sharing. Aaah turning 50 in 2020…I’d like to hibernate past that, as well. I turned 50 in March just before Trump decided to acknowledge out loud the hell we were going to face this year. Little did we know that 6 months later we would be fighting to save our democracy as well as fighting a deadly virus without a plan. Your writing puts into perspective the feelings many have – my little complaints are nothing compared to the big picture. Hope you had an amazing 50th and happy belated Birthday. 🎁🎂🍹
Nancy, you are welcome! Congratulations to you on turning 50 in the worst year imaginable to celebrate!! So many milestones this year were really subtle at best. And yes, little did we know what 2020 would turn out to be. I will say Europe has somewhat returned to daily life, although the ominous cloud of reality hangs heavy over Paris. It seems the countries in Europe are walking a fine line in trying to keep the mental health of society – while also knowing that life is best lived so cautiously these days. Let’s be thankful for little complaints at this point – and hope are health, democracy, and happiness will return when 2020 is finally cemented into one of those radioactive bunkers…for good! Be well – and “Tanti auguri e buon compleanno in retardo!” – Luke