“You who let yourselves feel; enter the breathing that is more than your own. Let it brush your cheeks as it divides and rejoins beside you.
Blessed ones, whole ones, you where the heart begins; You are the bow that shoots the arrows and you are the target.
Fear not the pain. Let its weight fall back into the earth; for heavy are the mountains, heavy the seas. The trees you planted in childhood have grown too heavy. You cannot bring them along. Give yourselves to the air, to what you cannot hold.”
Rainer Maria Rilke, “Sonnets to Orpheus”
If someone would have tried to describe or warn me about the events of spring 2020, I don’t think I would have believed them. It was unimaginable before it occurred. I couldn’t picture a world with borders shut, outdoor activities restricted and food rationed. All but a small fraction of the world shut down to lay victim to a pandemic.
We may never know the true toll of Spring 2020. It is not simply social and economic, but for me, and countless others, it is deeply emotional. Even today it lingers in the overheard words of conversations among strangers and in fearful tired eyes resting atop masks of cotton, gauze and lycra. It is still far from over, and yet we are trying to move into something that makes us feel a bit better.
One week ago I crossed the border from France into Italia and had the heavy burden of distance lifted from my shoulders. It was the distance from the physical aspects of my life, distance from the knowledge of what I would find and distance from the changing way of life the last three months.
I was given a gift on the way home, a few nights staying with friends near Nice in the Côte d’Azur. When I arrived, I found myself in one of the most spectacular places I had ever been. It was a place where my heart could rest a bit and gather strength. A place where my thoughts could collect and where some well-overdue deferred maintenance could happen. I needed to do this before I finished my journey to the place I call home, Torino, Italia.
While I restored myself in Nice, I had a chance to roam among beautiful gardens from a story book; fruit and nut trees, centuries-old oaks and olives and fields of lavender beginning to bloom.
I always appreciated those famous French lavender fields of Provence, but I never experienced one this way before. On my second morning, the field called for me to visit and sit while I drank my coffee. It was there where I seemed to release three months of anxiety, collect my thoughts for the future and soothe familiar grief. Leaving burdens in a lavender field seemed to be the right thing to do that morning.
I have not written much about the last three months other than my time and travels in France and my sincere appreciation for Maurine’s company. I always try to balance my writings between light and dark. However, I think it’s time to reveal the rest of the story. I have to take you back to January when things began to unravel.
In January my beginner’s skiing incident (read about that here), actually resulted in two fractures to my ankle. I did not realize the severity until 8 weeks later when I finally was x-rayed. The good news was that my ankle healed normally without a brace or cast. But for weeks, I had a lot of pain and anxiety. Fear of the unknown allowed me to abandon my responsibility to take care of myself.
I also came down with a horrible flu a few days after being in Milano in February. In the middle of the night I woke up with a raging fever and strange hallucinations. At one point, I fell asleep on the bathroom floor. I didn’t remember how I got there. (There was no wine involved, I promise.) Spending those days recovering in bed with nothing but fear and isolated thoughts, along with an unknown broken ankle, just added to my anxiety. It was one of those times when you realize you’re in a foreign country and you know few people who can help you.
Finally, after a year of heartfelt adventures, sadly my relationship with the Italiano came to an end while I was in France. This was the most difficult of all, and I am still trying to understand what brought me to that point. I believe the challenges of 2020 pushed me into a place that resurfaced realities that I must deal with first before being able to share my life with another.
Perhaps we are both better off on separate paths. Putting it into words makes the pain resurface again. I will always think fondly of our time, and I have nothing but care, love and gratefulness for all that he shared with me. Since I have talked so much about him in previous posts, it feels right to share this with you.
Imagine bringing all of these heavy thoughts into that beautiful lavender field that morning. If the lavender could have talked, it would have probably asked me to march my troubled mind right back out and go directly to a good psychiatrist. But alas, there was no psychiatrist in the Côte d’Azur, only the lavender to console me.
The wonderful thing about sitting in the field was the fragrance. It did not need to be coerced by my touch. It hung gently in the air. I remember thinking, “Had I known about the pleasure of sitting amongst lavender, I would have done this years ago.” I let it do its magic. Quietly and gently it seemed to lift some of my burdens.
When I found Rilke’s, “Sonnets to Orpheus” quoted above, it was a perfect introduction to this post. There are far mightier things in this world than us. We should rest our burdens there, rather than carry them on our backs. Burdens seem to stick to me longer now without the distractions of everyday life to keep them at bay. I knew that when I left that lavender field, I was going to be ok. I may not feel great for a while, but eventually life was going to feel good again. There was no better thing than leaving burdens in a lavender field.
Last Saturday, I came back to Italia after my unexpected three-month absence. As I drove the Autostrada dei Fiori (highway of the flowers) that climbs the cliffs above the Italian Riviera towns of Ventimiglia, San Remo, Santo Stefano al Mare and dozens of others, I felt joy seeing life return to something that almost looked normal. People were out and about, the sun was brilliant and warm. You would think it was just another summer beginning in one of the most beautiful places in the world.
Thank you for following The Spaghetti Diaries. If you want to follow my blog, please subscribe in the box below. If you like what you read, please share on your social media page or by sending a link via email. Be well my friends, and if you are troubled now, try my approach of leaving burdens in a lavender field. I stumbled across this website where you could do a virtual escape to some of France’s best lavender fields.
Good Morning, thank you again for sharing your thoughts with us. I can smell the lavender field with you and it does have a way of intoxicating you. Clearing your mind and your burdens of the last few months. It makes perfect sense. I am so happy to hear that you are physically recovering after that flu and the ankle fracture. I hope you can enjoy being home and life there is getting somewhat normal. Love you!
You are welcome my dear! Thank you for your comment. I know you understand the healing powers of lavender better than most. Yes it’s good to be almost 💯 and the morning of clarity and lightness I had will allow the rest to flow into balance as it always does. You have a wonderful weekend and know that I love ya bunches. Hope to see you soon! 🤗😘
I too would never have imagined the events of 2020 could ever happen. I am glad you recovered from the flu and that your ankle healed properly. Now it’s time for you! Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are such an inspiration!
Thank you Sandy. It is strange to be sitting in this pet of the world knowing that everyone across all the continents is watching history unfold. I just hope we end up on the right side of history when we look back. 🙂 I am glad to be back and amongst the sights, sounds and rhythm of the “italiani.” I hope to continue to keep you interested and your words are wonderful to hear. Be well and say hello to Christopher and company for me 👍🏻👍🏻🤗😘
How did you find Rilke?
Hello Holly! I think Rilke found me 😀. I was reading through posts by Liz Gilbert, the author of “Eat, Pray, Love” and she posted an excerpt from the sonnet. It resonated immediately and then I did some additional research. If you get the chance, read the full translated version of the fifty sonnets online. He wrote in German, but the translations are fairly close to the meaning. Beautiful soul candy! Thanks for following and be well.
I can imagine why Nice would create a place to release a burden, which many of us – at least speaking for myself – probably share after the past few months. While I can chronicle a set of events, it feels like maybe the forced stop of busyness, created an environment with few external distractions & we get to live with ourselves. Both an opportunity and a challenge. While I can’t get to Nice (or nearby St Paul de Vence which I highly recommend), I now will search for my own lavender field. Ciao bello
You are spot on my friend..there’s been a tremendous opportunity for self-reflection in all of this confinement, and that serves a wonderful purpose. I also believe there were some who struggled without those distractions. I tore feverishly through about a dozen new books, studied Italian, and took up the art of sourdough bread with my own starter (Is there anyone who hasn’t made their own starter?) all while I was in France. It was the moment of reflection that allowed me to let those other odd bits/pieces come through..and finally rest. I drove right past St. Paul de Vence..on my way back to Italia. Had I known what I missing – I would have stopped. Next time, definitely! I say find your own lavender field equivalent and enjoy! Ciao bella…tutte cose buone!
It took a trip to Europe to actually appreciate the benefits of lavender. We realized it’s effect when we returned back to the US so much so that we had to plant one plant in our front yard. It’s also the edible variety we can use for cooking and baking. We also use it from time to time around the house, not only to remind us that we need to slow down, release the tension/stress and also recharge.
Tony, I can see you both enjoying where I stayed. It was definitely a paradise for lavender lovers. I hear there are amazing lavender essence deserts…you’ll have to post one on your video class :). But yes, it is a great reminder to slow down, unload the tension and stress..and recharge. Hope you both are well, and I look forward to our next aperitivo soon!
Thank you for continuing to share your journey and I’m glad you are home safely. I could smell the lava sets reading your description of the lavender fields and it fondly reminded me of the time I spent in Southern France a couple of years ago and how much I enjoyed it. Keep writing and sharing Lou
Thanks, Arminé. Glad to be home safely too. Yes..those fields of Southern France are magical! What a gift! I hope all is well..and I look forward to the next adventure. For now, I’ll rest a bit here in Italia. Be well!
Luke, I love the lavender fields too… Soothing to the soul.
I am certainly not the writer, but Luke do you think you might already have had COVID-19?
They have antibody tests in the US. One less burden on your mind.🤗❤️
Thank you Judy! I thought about that for a bit, and actually called the hotline back when everything was just beginning. They suggested it was most likely the flu..so I’ve kind of let that one go. They did start doing the antibody tests here..so perhaps I will look to have that done and eliminate one more unpleasant thought 🙂 I’m wishing you a wonderful week and be well! XOXO
Lavender has always been one of my favorite scents. Your description of this special place was incredible. I felt like I was there. Glad you are doing better and the ankle healed well. We are getting settled in our rental here in Granbury, TX and deciding on a plan for a house. We went out to the land my boys are buying and they have picked a lovely spot for our house. Our new adventure is looking good. Take care of yourself. Would love to see you if you ever get out this way. Sending love.
Thank you Joyce! You all had quite the road trip the last few days. I’m glad you landed in your town and I hear it is beautiful. I cannot wait to see pictures of your adventure unfold. Save me a guest room 🙂 I look forward to seeing you and my southern mom again soon! XOXO and I think of you all often. Miss ya and sending love back to you all!
Lucca,
2020 is only half over and what a wild and crazy year it has been so far. Iam going to take you lavender field visit as a place and a time to move forward. Anxiety, fear, instability and at times rage have been centerstage for many of us for too long. The lavender fields can represent a new beginning, a sense of calm and peace and the willingness to take each day as it comes…
So sorry that your relationship with Alessandro ended. I know that was difficult for both of u.
Glad your home in Torino safe and sound and thrilled that you have your baby girl (4 legged..) Sophia with you 2.
Stay safe and bye for now!👏❤️🐾. Keep listening and learning…
Ps I feel our world is about to change for the better. And we r glad we can be a part of the change!!!
Lisa, you are right..I have one thing to say… “Basta – 2020!” 🙂 It has been a crazy year and there is so much more in front of us. I do think things are changing – and even though times are difficult for many, people are finding their voices and their courage. That is always a wonderful thing.
Even Sofia has found her inner-voice…and it’s adorable! She has been exercising her individual rights to bark at everything. She definitely has an opinion about things. (Italians say “bau-bau”) I see a strong lady in that little girl. We will be great travel companions and buddies.
Yes..I’m always constantly battling the inner-knowledge to let it go with wanting to carry things in the hopes I can make them better. But alas, it’s the human struggle. That morning in the field seemed to give me permission to take my hands off the steering wheel. I needed that reminder.
Andrà tutto bene! Sending lots of love to you…and miss you both much!
As with most things in life I tried to put practical application to my time in isolation but it’s always so nice to visit your mental world where things have such beautiful meaning and one can find peace within your field of vision and lavender.
Awww Sis..I just love when you get me! Everything seems to have meaning these days. The smallest and largest things always seem to attract my curiosity to know more. Perhaps that’s a good thing..or maybe a necessary distraction 🙂 Love ya!
So beautiful Luke. xo
Thank you, Cheryl. Sending my love to you and Mike. Hoping our paths cross again soon! XOXO
Hi Lou, I’m listening to Barber’s Adagio for Strings as I read your latest missive. Thanks you again for sharing your inner and outer adventures; this is refreshing and not often encountered.
I think we each have a story about these past several months. Mine is one that doesn’t show a lot of outer changes. I usually work from home, so that much hasn’t changed at all. However, the inner world has been touched by the virus and events that has seemed to build day after day. Those aspects are the ones that the Rilke poem addresses.
Fritz, oh you really struck a chord. One of my favorite meditation choices is a version of “Adagio for Strings” by the Dale Warland singers. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLHuqia8iLk I could listen to it forever. See what you think. I am glad you found my writing refreshing.
I do think the best medicine for melancholy is knowing that your feelings are not isolated. Others feel them and perhaps by sharing we not only release our burdens, but we help others release theirs.
The inner world is where all the magic happens right – inside those spaces that only we ourselves know. I hope all of those changes create a better humanity. The wheels of change are in motion and although it can be a bit unsettling, things will find their balance.
Be well..and enjoy the week!
I’m glad you don’t think I’m crazy anymore. 😉 So delighted to read your revelations. That you’re having such an amazing journey. Cant wait to read more in October ( specifically). Get ready. Fasten your seatbelts. Miss seeing you so much. Xoxo, Your coffee buddy “Prepper”, Brigitte 😚😚😚💜💜
I never thought you were crazy..vivacious, funny, lovable..never crazy! My seatbelt seems permanently fastened these days..with my hands off the steering wheel. Miss you much and have a coffee with me in spirit! Sending love back atcha!
☕☕💜💜I will save you a seat, my friend. 😚
Was late in reading your post, Luke. I am so sorry to hear about the Italiano, he sounded like a wonderful person.
In truth the first relationships post what you have been through, never mind moving to a new country, are always difficult and likely fleeting.
Your review of the lavender fields was magical! I love living with lavender around me and agree it has soothing properties.
Sounds like you had a bout of the COVID?? I am happy you are recovered and well, ankle and all.
I wish I was sitting with you in that field. ♥️
Best wishes, j
Thank you Julie. I appreciate your always kind words. Yes, I will always have fond memories and nothing but wonderful wishes for him.
Sometimes I have to remind myself of the amount of change and disruption in my life. You somewhat become immune to the daily dose of challenges and then a pause is necessary. A pause to collect thoughts and direct the next step…and most importantly, breathe.
I’m not sure if it was Covid or not. It was definitely a different kind of flu. Hopefully it was and perhaps I have some immunity at this point. That would be a welcomed benefit from the experience.
I’m almost at 💯!! That lavender field helped. Be well and hugs to you! ❤️
Luke! Seeing a post you commented on reminded me that I needed my Spaghetti Diary fix
Did you know that I think you are one of the bravest people in the big world? I do not think I am alone in my quiet thoughts of just “unassing” my current life and just go! Not because my life here in this spot is a bad place to be, it is in fact as close to paradise as I can make it. I think of all the things my heart
misses that I don’t even know exists. I imagine the fields of lavender, blue water somewhere and a chance to mingle with people much different than I. I salute you, I celebrate you and I feel such a sense of pride for you. It is so easy to just retreat into our safe spaces when life gets real, but you! You!
Carry on and live your best life
Robin you made my day! I was having one of those “What the hell am I doing here?” kind of days. Not that anything was bad, it just felt foreign and different. It was a day where I thought it would be so much easier if I didn’t have to think of every word before it came out of my mouth, and then watch as the language disaster unfolds based on my verb tenses. The kind of day when I didn’t want to be told I have a “cute” American accent. I feel for every immigrant that ever came to the United States and struggled with language. The shoe is on the other foot now..and sometimes it creates blisters!
I understand the feeling of wanting things that you don’t know are even available to you. I think of that often..and sometimes when my brain wants to say “no” to something, my heart says, “What if that takes you to a place that you could have never imagined on your own?” I think we can find those places everywhere. There is always something new to discover in what we think we already know.
I remember my mother in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She found the most interesting people to mingle with – in a place that I thought was relatively void of anything outside normal. But no, she dug deep and found amazing unique souls with such stories to tell in a place that I thought wasn’t able to astonish me.
My truth is that I had such an amazing life in California that there was no safe place to retreat to there after Darin died. There would always be that huge void that could never be filled again. So as crazy as it sounds, my safest option was to find a new place without a void. So here I am trying to be my best, not always succeeding at that, but doing what I can to bring a little bit of me with an open heart and mind to someplace different. Most of the time it feels uncomfortable and different, but every day, it feels better.
Thank you for your encouragement – your words are salve to a slightly weary soul today. I hope we can connect in person and share our amazing stories together!
You carry on as well and we will live our best lives!