This week was a big one for me. It marked one-year since I arrived in Italia, one year after packing up the parts and pieces of my life, deciding what I would keep and what I would leave behind. I couldn’t help but use it as an opportunity to create some space to let emotions flow and create my own check point on how I was doing one year later on this day of my Italian anniversary.
I expected a mix of emotions and had to get the sadness out of the way first. That happened this week when I sat down at the dining table for lunch. I glanced out the window to admire a beautiful day on the piazza and was hit with this overwhelming feeling of melancholy. It felt a bit like, “Well you did it..so what?” Words flooded my head, and I typed them into my phone so I could share them with you.
The blowing wind outside that wants to be heard, through the leafless tress that long to be appreciated.
The warm sun that needs to be felt, and the blueness of the sky that expects to be seen.
The risotto in front of me that waits to be tasted, and the wine that wants to be savored.
I struggle to be here on this beautiful afternoon. Sadness pulls at me. It wants to be acknowledged–and so I will give it what it wants this time. I will choose to overlook the marvel of today.
Perhaps this sadness, like me, is hungry and needs to be fed. Then it will go away. This is how grief feels sometimes. I think I need to close my eyes and sleep a bit.
An important tip for grievers is to never underestimate the power of a good nap to deal with a wave of the nasty thoughts. Sleeping seems to bring on some accelerated recovery as it flushes the mind of the noise.
After I awoke, I was thinking clearer. I asked myself, “What about all of the good things this last year.” I didn’t really have a plan when I arrived, but I had expectations. (See my first blog post here.) How was I doing against those expectations? I wanted to find the areas of growth that I could acknowledge on my Italian anniversary. How far did I come, and am I becoming a better person? It came down to three things: resilience, acceptance, and appreciation.
I am more resilient
I can handle the unpredictable a whole lot better. It may not be something I invite in, but it’s impossible to live without resilience here. Not just because it’s a foreign country with a different language and way of life, but because my course is uncharted and I have left myself open to all sorts of twists and turns along the way.
When I was moving from apartment to apartment in Roma, getting used to one neighborhood only to find myself in another, it was unnerving. Traveling light both physically and emotionally helped. Each time I found myself in a new place I discovered something different, sometimes better- sometimes worse. With each anxious breath, I reminded myself this is me coming out of my comfort zone.
I am more accepting – but not quite empty of judgement
This is probably the highest hurdle. I want to be comfortable with what’s different in people, their behaviors and reactions to life’s circumstances. It doesn’t mean I have to agree with them, but I want to lean-in with curiosity instead of lean-back with judgement. When I do this, I am at my best. This is a work in progress – I repeat – a work in progress!
I’m still trying to learn this daily with not only my new life here, but my old life back in California. I tend to judge myself the harshest. What helps me sort through this is to dig into my rationale; “Why did I react that way? Do I think I’m wiser or better? What difference does it make to me? How should I do this better next time? The exercise is helpful in getting to the root of what I’m feeling.
I have more appreciation for the experience of others
Without offense to my readers on either side of the Atlantic, I believe Europeans have a fundamental difference in recognizing the value of things not readily understood in the US. The generation I surround myself with in Italia came from parents who were in their youth just after World War II. It was damn difficult for them to rebuild after two generations of destruction. That had to have impacts that remain today.
When people say the quality of life is greater in Europe than in the US, I think what they see is this absence to chase after material things. There is a limit to how much people will pay for convenience, and things seem to hold more long-term value. They also don’t seem to struggle the same way to attain some rung on a social ladder. I think sometimes Americans misunderstand Europeans and vice versa. Regardless how closely related we are in heritage, there are significant experiential differences that make us worth getting to know better.
Most importantly, I appreciate myself more
When I arrived last year, I thought I could meld easier into a European life. But after coming to terms with the differences of language, customs and beliefs, the expression is true, “You can take the boy out of America, but you can’t take the American out of the boy.” So rather than fight it, I need to embrace it.
I’ve made great progress on language, but I have so far to go. I’ll always speak with a heavy American accent, screw up verb tenses, and generally sound foreign to every native. I have to be ok with that. I have to appreciate the learning.
Americans are misunderstood here. We’re suspect of inauthenticity by our European cousins, and there is disbelief that we have interest in appreciating life’s differences. We are gregarious, effusive, and perpetually optimistic. Because of this, it’s not surprising when I walk down the street and smile at others. Often, the response is a half-smile and a bit of suspicion. These reactions remind me to keep smiling and remain who I am. Perhaps I can change a few faces.
I sometimes bristle when I hear, “That thinking is so American!” But truthfully, it is and that is a part of me, but it’s not the whole part. The real me is on a journey to who knows where. I’m walking down the street smiling because I’m celebrating my Italian anniversary.
If you’re interested in reading more about “La Fontana dei Dodici Mesi” here is an interesting article that details the history and legend at Guida Torino.
As part of celebrating my Italian anniversary, I’m going out on a limb here to let you know you about my next personal challenge. I’m planning to start writing my blog in two versions, side by side, English and Italiano. I have many readers from both mother-tongues. I know I could use the practice and perhaps you’ll enjoy seeing the language comparisons. I’m going to target shorter reads and hopefully few mistakes. I can’t guarantee success on either front! Thank you for following The Spaghetti Diaries. Baci a voi! (Hugs to you!)
