This week was a big one for me. It marked one-year since I arrived in Italia, one year after packing up the parts and pieces of my life, deciding what I would keep and what I would leave behind. I couldn’t help but use it as an opportunity to create some space to let emotions flow and create my own check point on how I was doing one year later on this day of my Italian anniversary.
I expected a mix of emotions and had to get the sadness out of the way first. That happened this week when I sat down at the dining table for lunch. I glanced out the window to admire a beautiful day on the piazza and was hit with this overwhelming feeling of melancholy. It felt a bit like, “Well you did it..so what?” Words flooded my head, and I typed them into my phone so I could share them with you.
The blowing wind outside that wants to be heard, through the leafless tress that long to be appreciated.
The warm sun that needs to be felt, and the blueness of the sky that expects to be seen.
The risotto in front of me that waits to be tasted, and the wine that wants to be savored.
I struggle to be here on this beautiful afternoon. Sadness pulls at me. It wants to be acknowledged–and so I will give it what it wants this time. I will choose to overlook the marvel of today.
Perhaps this sadness, like me, is hungry and needs to be fed. Then it will go away. This is how grief feels sometimes. I think I need to close my eyes and sleep a bit.
An important tip for grievers is to never underestimate the power of a good nap to deal with a wave of the nasty thoughts. Sleeping seems to bring on some accelerated recovery as it flushes the mind of the noise.
After I awoke, I was thinking clearer. I asked myself, “What about all of the good things this last year.” I didn’t really have a plan when I arrived, but I had expectations. (See my first blog post here.) How was I doing against those expectations? I wanted to find the areas of growth that I could acknowledge on my Italian anniversary. How far did I come, and am I becoming a better person? It came down to three things: resilience, acceptance, and appreciation.
I am more resilient
I can handle the unpredictable a whole lot better. It may not be something I invite in, but it’s impossible to live without resilience here. Not just because it’s a foreign country with a different language and way of life, but because my course is uncharted and I have left myself open to all sorts of twists and turns along the way.
When I was moving from apartment to apartment in Roma, getting used to one neighborhood only to find myself in another, it was unnerving. Traveling light both physically and emotionally helped. Each time I found myself in a new place I discovered something different, sometimes better- sometimes worse. With each anxious breath, I reminded myself this is me coming out of my comfort zone.
I am more accepting – but not quite empty of judgement
This is probably the highest hurdle. I want to be comfortable with what’s different in people, their behaviors and reactions to life’s circumstances. It doesn’t mean I have to agree with them, but I want to lean-in with curiosity instead of lean-back with judgement. When I do this, I am at my best. This is a work in progress – I repeat – a work in progress!
I’m still trying to learn this daily with not only my new life here, but my old life back in California. I tend to judge myself the harshest. What helps me sort through this is to dig into my rationale; “Why did I react that way? Do I think I’m wiser or better? What difference does it make to me? How should I do this better next time? The exercise is helpful in getting to the root of what I’m feeling.
I have more appreciation for the experience of others
Without offense to my readers on either side of the Atlantic, I believe Europeans have a fundamental difference in recognizing the value of things not readily understood in the US. The generation I surround myself with in Italia came from parents who were in their youth just after World War II. It was damn difficult for them to rebuild after two generations of destruction. That had to have impacts that remain today.
When people say the quality of life is greater in Europe than in the US, I think what they see is this absence to chase after material things. There is a limit to how much people will pay for convenience, and things seem to hold more long-term value. They also don’t seem to struggle the same way to attain some rung on a social ladder. I think sometimes Americans misunderstand Europeans and vice versa. Regardless how closely related we are in heritage, there are significant experiential differences that make us worth getting to know better.
Most importantly, I appreciate myself more
When I arrived last year, I thought I could meld easier into a European life. But after coming to terms with the differences of language, customs and beliefs, the expression is true, “You can take the boy out of America, but you can’t take the American out of the boy.” So rather than fight it, I need to embrace it.
I’ve made great progress on language, but I have so far to go. I’ll always speak with a heavy American accent, screw up verb tenses, and generally sound foreign to every native. I have to be ok with that. I have to appreciate the learning.
Americans are misunderstood here. We’re suspect of inauthenticity by our European cousins, and there is disbelief that we have interest in appreciating life’s differences. We are gregarious, effusive, and perpetually optimistic. Because of this, it’s not surprising when I walk down the street and smile at others. Often, the response is a half-smile and a bit of suspicion. These reactions remind me to keep smiling and remain who I am. Perhaps I can change a few faces.
I sometimes bristle when I hear, “That thinking is so American!” But truthfully, it is and that is a part of me, but it’s not the whole part. The real me is on a journey to who knows where. I’m walking down the street smiling because I’m celebrating my Italian anniversary.
If you’re interested in reading more about “La Fontana dei Dodici Mesi” here is an interesting article that details the history and legend at Guida Torino.
As part of celebrating my Italian anniversary, I’m going out on a limb here to let you know you about my next personal challenge. I’m planning to start writing my blog in two versions, side by side, English and Italiano. I have many readers from both mother-tongues. I know I could use the practice and perhaps you’ll enjoy seeing the language comparisons. I’m going to target shorter reads and hopefully few mistakes. I can’t guarantee success on either front! Thank you for following The Spaghetti Diaries. Baci a voi! (Hugs to you!)
Lucca,
A year filled with Learning, living and loving all that life presented to u! We are all a work in progress and life is messy and unpredictable for sure. Spending quality time with our loved ones, family and friends and living a life full of gratitude and knowing we are enough is a life well lived!
Your journey has been beautiful and we are blessed that u r in our life!
Sending our love to u from the US of A!😌❤️👏
To my “sistahs” in California…love that you are in my life!
One of my favorite expressions..”Life is messy – Grace is good”. Having grace with oneself is the most important thing to have. Being able to stumble, recover, and do it again and again…while learning along the way..is what it’s all about.
I am blessed to have you to lean on when I need it the most!
Sending my love back to you dall’Italia con gratitudine!
Wow. Congrats Lou. Really loving reading about your journey as we did it the opposite way England to US. And we thought language “no issue” but even today more than 30 yrs later, I have to think about certain word Wrench and spanner as one example. As we look to what’s next in our journey it’s really heartening to thing about embracing other areas as we all seek peace.
Thank you, Jayne! I’m so happy you are enjoying the writing. I’m sure you faced similar cultural challenges…despite the language similarities. And yes, there are words that just never click 🙂 My struggles are with: molto, tanto, basta, and troppo…much, many, enough and too much!! 🙂
I couldn’t agree with you more, judgement is the antithesis is peace. If we could seek more of the latter instead of the former, what a better way to learn.
Wishing you a wonderful week from one cultural transplant to another!
Thank you for taking this journey and bringing us along!! We all need to learn to be more accepting of life here in America and everywhere else, as well as other cultures. Most importantly you are so right that Europeans get the “live in the moment” thing, which we have yet to embrace in America. Love that you will be doing the English vs Italian in your blog, it’s a good learning experience for us all, keep us the great work!! Antonetta
Antonetta,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. It’s always nice to have reinforcements along the way. That “live in the moment” is always tough for us driven Americans..goals, deadlines, commitments to ourselves and others, they can get in the way of the moment. So everyday is a practice session in reality for me.
Oh and yes, the Italian/English version will be a project. I hope to continually improve..after months of book work..it is time to speak and write. I’m sure I’ll have some “oops” along the way – and I just hope I don’t offend anyone LOL.
Thank you again for the encouragement – so happy to have you along!
Luke
Baci a voi!
🐻🤗🤗🤗😘
Thank you Brian! I hope Houston is treating you well! 🙂
Luke, I am so very proud of you. Your courage, your ability to smile and see the best in difficult times. I love you so much. Darin would be proud. 💗
Thank you, Daria! We both have courage and can smile in difficult times! Thanks for propping me up when I needed you. I think Darin is smiling every time we find our strength. I love you too and wish you continued courage and smiles!!!
Luke, I have rewritten this comment four times. I am just going to say that have been profoundly enriched by the emotional journey that has been Year One. May the journey continue in love, happiness, and peace of mind.
Sis, I love that we have done this journey together on many occasions. It wouldn’t have been the same without you! Thank you for enriching each step and being there when I need you! Sending big love to you!!
“I want to lean-in with curiosity instead of lean-back with judgement” — Love this. And it’s a nice reminder.
Yes! There are times when I want to fold my arms..lean back in my chair, and just say “yeah…i’m not buying it.” However, I try to catch myself now. I’ve learned that there’s always something interesting in the conversation when I ask “why?” It may not always convince me, but at least it gives me something to think about.
Bonne Anniversaire, Luke! There was never a doubt that you would find a place for yourself in Italy after I saw how you embraced Nérac. And, I love that we are in the same time zone.
Thank you!! Sometimes the belief others had is exactly what I needed when I had my own doubts. Your journey has been a guide on what to do..and how to do it with grace! 🙂 And yes, it’s good to have our time zones synched for wine and what’s-up talk time!
We have lived in Italy going on three years and one can’t help but reflect on life, history, landscape and relationships — both present and past. That is the magic of the culture.
However, some of the emotional situations you describe , I suspect, come from simply living in a big, complex city. I can recall having similar feelings when I lived in New York City many years ago. You can feel “detached” and adrift. Inner stiriings alternative from elation to sadness
After years of exploring Italy as travelers, we settle on a small, ancient but active hilltown in Le Marche. Partly because on the very first visit we felt welcomed. All the people we met with friendly, helpful, and generous. That initial impression has proven to be consistent.
Every day presents a new adventure — small or grand. We have never experienced melancholy.
Indeed, all we need do is look out the window at the verdant rolling hillsides, with Adriatic spread oit in the distance. and we are inspired.
We are willing to accept our role as those “pazzi Americani.” We are the first Americans many people have met around these parts. So we are both amusing and baffling to locals.
Its been amazing transition, as you note.
And it just gets better.
Mark, thank you for the comment! Congratulations on three years, and it’s always good to reflect on the journey. The emotional situations are always a mixed bag of factors. After the the last two years of grieving and finally the acceptance…I still have moments where I want to shut the world out for a bit to recharge.
I hear wonderful things about Le Marche, and have only driven through their briefly. Each region has such different characteristics, and I long to understand all of them. I’m glad you have settled into your happy place for now.
And yes, “pazzi Americani” is a great thing to just accept. Strange, wonderful, weird, and amusing, it’s not a bad thing to be! Anything else would be boring.
I hope we continue to share stories – and thanks for following along!
Best to you,
Luke
Ti seguo sempre volentieri. E appena ricevuta la mail di notifica di questo nuovo articolo sul blog ho pensato di voler commentare per dirti che credo sia arrivata l’ora di scrivere anche in italiano….poi arrivo alla fine e trovo la sorpresa! Vai Luke, ce la farai. E grazie sempre per condividere i tuoi pensieri e le tue emozioni con noi.
Lucia,
Grazie per il tuo commento e per aver seguito.
Hai ragione. È tempo di provarlo. Augurami buona fortuna. Spero che le mie parole e i miei pensieri si traducono bene!
Attendo le tue correzioni. 🙂
Luke
Love all your stories and I’m proud of you and your brave journey.
Thank you Ms. Linda!! Your comment was a nice gift to receive – coming from such a brave woman as yourself. Looking forward to catching up this weekend. Sending love!