If I had to characterize the last month as a weather forecast, I would say it’s been partly cloudy with occasional brilliant sunshine. It took an extra week to write this post, because I had a tough time finding the words. I didn’t want to signal to my readers I was bailing on my sogno d’italia. I assure you I am not bailing on my dream, and I still want to be here. So why the cloudy skies with occasional brilliant sunshine?
I have been struggling a bit with what I want to do with my life here and finding my place in the world. Ultimately, the million-euro question is, what will I do to bring value to a world that desperately needs it right now and what do I need to mobilize that? I have focused most of my free time on exploring Italia and when I’m not doing that, I’m working diligently on my language or writing. I can’t help but sense a growth leap, and with it, the angst and discomfort that comes from the transformation. It seems to have been the backdrop for the last few months. I think the universe is signaling, “It’s time.”
My brilliant sunshine showed up on three separate occasions where I was able to spend time with friends originally from California. All three have taken flight in their own unique ways.
I traveled to France two weeks ago to spend time with my friend Maurine on her birthday. She exported herself to France years ago to follow her dream after facing the loss of her husband.
Joe, who was Darin’s best friend, was in Roma to attend another friend’s birthday. I was able to make the trip and spend a short but full day with him. He is still carrying the weight of loss. Joe lost his two best friends within one year, both to cancer.
Finally, my best friend Rick visited last week with his boyfriend. We spent time together in Torino and traveled to Switzerland. It was good to have a few days to reconnect. I’ve known Rick for almost 30 years, and well, he usually knows me better than I know myself.
All three visits were perfectly timed. I was able to use that time to garner their wisdom and embrace the bond that has tied us together all these years. Each provided their own point of view on the world. When you get a chance to see a situation from a different perspective, it changes everything. If you haven’t seen my post about enjoying the view, you might want to read about seeing the world from the balcony instead of the orchestra pit click here.
In another week, my sister will arrive. We have such great plans in store, and I cannot wait to show her Piemonte and other parts of Europe she has never seen. I’ll take full advantage of her shoulder and lean heavy on her for the advice that only a big sister can give. The Divine has been responding to this minor call for help, with plenty of reinforcements.
Age and time in general have been gnawing at me. That last “40-something” birthday was hard to let go. Case in point, I started prematurely graying when I was about 35 or so. Living in self-conscious Southern California, it just didn’t seem right to let gray take its natural course. So, I started “gently concealing” my gray every 8-10 weeks. After a decade, the gentle concealing turned into a brute force regimen every 5 weeks.
On my 49th birthday I thought maybe I should go natural and see what happens. Secretly I hoped there was a George Clooney in me that was aching to get out. I went to my stylist and asked her, “What can we do to start blending in some gray?” She looked at me with a look of dread and said, “Sei sicuro? Non è facile.” Are you certain? This isn’t easy. Clearly this wasn’t the first time she dealt with my kind of situation. I was emboldened and told her to go for it.
Well, it didn’t look that bad the first two weeks as I anxiously waited for George Clooney to appear. However, after three weeks, it became obvious. George wasn’t coming, but he sent his aunt, Rosemary Clooney instead. My hair wasn’t helping my age anxiety. For my readers around the world that aren’t familiar with George Clooney and Rosemary Clooney, click the link to get the comparison. George is the one on the right. Rosemary and George Clooney
So much for my attempts at authenticity. I have since returned to the same color before the entire Clooney fantasy began. This reality slap of age, the ongoing struggles of fitting into the la cultura italiana and the recognition that life is flying by at an incredible speed, has created quite the realization that despite all of my efforts, I haven’t learned to let go of that which I don’t want to take along with me; fear of aging, the need to fit-in, and anxiety over my past.
I recently read a book recommended to me just after Darin died. It was written by Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist. The book, When Things Fall Apart, is one of the best books on coping with change, loss and discomfort. Even if your life hasn’t fallen apart yet, it’s a great perspective on the struggle.
In the book, the author talks about leaning into the sharp points of life, rather than pulling back to protect yourself from the pain. Pema discusses our tendency to play the fix-it role when things go wrong instead of contemplating the real source of contention. There lies the treasure buried amongst the pain. When it’s partly cloudy with occasional brilliant sunshine, digest the clouds a bit more. One of my favorite quotes I highlighted in the book was this:
“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look. That’s the compassionate thing to do. That’s the brave thing to do. We could smell that piece of shit. We could feel it; what is its texture, color, and shape?”
Pema Chödrön. “When Things Fall Apart.”
I know it’s graphic, but I found myself laughing so hard when I read that quote and thinking how much energy I spent trying to fix something without learning the lesson and appreciating it for what it is. It’s just shit, and that’s ok.
I thought I had much of this under my belt when I started this journey, but I have to remind myself to be ok with living unsteadily. These are unpredictable times for many. Sometimes cloudy with occasional brilliant sunshine is ok, just be the brilliant sunshine for someone when they need it.
Thank you for following The Spaghetti Diaries. If you’re interested in the teachings of Pema Chödrön, here’s a link to her foundation where you can read her story https://pemachodronfoundation.org
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