“Satisfaction is not always the fulfillment of what you want; it is the realization of how blessed you are for what you have.”
Ritu Ghatourey
Once again I’m writing from a seat on the high-speed train heading from Roma to Torino. I left Torino on Monday as an expatriate living in Italia, and now I’m returning as a full-fledged Italiano with the ability to seamlessly live between two of the most beautiful places in the world, the United States of America and the Repubblica Italiana, in the Unione Europea.
The train from Roma is full. It’s summer in Italy, so there are many tourists heading north to Firenze and Milano. It’s easy to spot the fellow Americans, the men spilling into the aisle being overtly friendly with everyone and the women with their French-manicured toes sticking out of bejeweled sandals.
I traveled to Roma on Monday and drove to the Italian province of Molise, about 80 miles outside the city. I had to negotiate driving a rental car out of central Roma, avoid dozens of near miss accidents, and do everything possible to keep my driving anxiety from descending into sheer terror. I felt like my vital organs had relocated to all different parts of my body out of fear, and then they settled once I entered the autostrada and departed from the chaos. Driving in Roma is a battle scar to be proud of or stupidity at its best.
The story of how I ended up in Molise in the first place is worth telling, as is the need to recognize the people that made this journey possible 150 years ago, Michele Arcangelo Lombardo and Angela Teresa Russo, my great grandparents.
A little over three-years ago when life was calm in California and undisrupted by cancer, I started researching my genealogy. Despite my abundant life, I wasn’t satisfied. I was anxious to start something that would hold my interest in my spare time, and I had a lot of spare time. I decided to take on the family historian role, since the storytellers and historians of my Italian family had long passed on or ceased remembering.
Nine months into my research I realized I might be eligible to reclaim my Italian citizenship after my great-grandfather immigrated in the 1890s. As it turned out, my great grandfather never became a United States citizen after he immigrated, and never renounced his Italian citizenship. Every descendant of his technically was already an Italian citizen, all they had to do was prove their bloodline.
As I said earlier, at this point in my life I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted something different. I think Darin did as well. It took a lot of effort to convince him that this move could be the “something different” we needed. I only say that, because it was a big leap for him to finally lean-in to the idea of life in Europe. His willingness meant everything to me. He trusted me despite the unknown impact this would have on him. This adventure was born from our desire to live a simpler and more satisfying life, and at some level, recommit to being satisfied with each other.
Darin and I started to plan our exploration trip to Italia for early 2017. For some reason, we couldn’t commit to landing on a date and buying the airline tickets. In early 2017 it became clear that something wasn’t right with Darin’s health. In hindsight, I think the Divine prevented what would have been an even more painful situation in the long-term for me. It would have been exceptionally difficult for me to have a future life in Italia, because I would have experienced Darin’s joy and excitement in planning for our adventure, only to have it taken away upon finding out his prognosis.
As difficult as it is to say, I believe my solo journey was destiny. It feels brutal because it reminds me of the battle he underwent that final year from March 2017 until March 2018. I can cope with many things in life, but I would give anything to change those 12 months of time. It is the one thing that undermines my attempt at believing life will be ok. I still have not found peace with the pain and the suffering Darin faced. I only say this to let others know it is a daily battle wrestling with those memories. Despite my daily attempts to pursue happiness, those horrible memories still occupy a great space in my head and are always ready to pounce during any moment of melancholy. Even now as I write on the train, those terrible tenants of my mind are screaming for more attention, but I must push them back and continue with my story.
My great grandparents were from two small villages, Statigliano and Baia e Latina, in the Campania region of Italy. I often imagined stories in my mind about how they met. Perhaps it was at a village festival or a family social event. In all likelihood, their marriage may have been arranged to give my great grandmother, a child at the time, the opportunity for a better life. When they married, she was 14 and he was 29. During the first wave of immigration, life was dire in Southern Italia, and the opportunity in the United States represented survival. The number of Italiani that immigrated to the United States between 1880-1924 was estimated to be over 4 million, or more than 10% of the country’s population at that time.
Italian citizenship law makes it much easier when you are a blood-descendant. I did not need to wait years for my citizenship, I just needed to show up to a town that was willing to take my application. My sister and I found a village willing to handle our citizenship application in the region of Molise.
When we first arrived last October for our application, we were introduced to this beautiful area of Italia, with its dazzling landscape of fertile valleys and soaring mountains. The people were kind with an attitude of self-reliance and generous hospitality. It is one of the least frequently visited regions, but it seemed anxious for the attention.
Once we completed the process, we simply had to wait while our applications were reviewed. We both returned home, my sister to her life in Florida with her family, and I to what was left of my life in California and my pending departure for Europe.
Last month I received final confirmation that my application had been approved, and citizenship granted. I would have to return to Molise to complete the process. Obviously, I was thrilled with this news, but when I tried to explain to my new friends here what it meant to me to be Italiano, I don’t think many of them got it. Many questioned why I would trade a life in the United States for a life here in Italia. I tried to explain that nowhere else but in the United States is the identity with your ancestral homeland so strong. I lived my entire life identifying as an Italian-American, just as others are Polish-American, Asian-American or African-American. We were blessed with this unique diversity and pride in where our ancestors called home.
Three years of effort, countless twists and turns to life, and almost 150 years later, the first descendant of Michele Arcangelo Lombardo has returned to Italia. That makes me happy, but it doesn’t necessarily assuage the bitterness of loss and the feeling of being unsatisfied with how I got here. I have been asking for guidance and peace of mind throughout this final step of my citizenship, and I think this morning it may have been delivered.
I awoke early and meditated for the first time in several days. I knew there was a message waiting for me. The message appeared early and clearly. It said, “You need to be satisfied with this part of the journey. Well done. Now enjoy it.”
Over the last year when I meditated, I have often been shown an image of myself in a boat, just floating with the current. This morning the image was different. It was simply an empty rowboat, docked in a small port along with many others. I understood it perfectly. Perhaps I am done looking for satisfaction. Perhaps I am home. What’s next?
I want to thanks the readers in 46 countries representing six continents. Welcome Estonia, Tunisia, and Montenegro! You can enter your email and receive updates when I post. For more information on the Italian migration to the United States, I found this great article at the US Library of Congress: https://www.loc.gov/teachers/classroommaterials/presentationsandactivities/presentations/immigration/italian3.html