“When everything that you thought was important is no longer important, and everything you thought impractical or improbable, becomes possible, sometimes it’s just best to hit the reset button.”
Luke Lombardo
Welcome to my first blog post on The Spaghetti Diaries. Thanks for stopping by and spending a few minutes with me as I begin to document the experience of reinventing my life in Europe. My husband, Darin, and I planned this move together for two years. Unfortunately, Darin was diagnosed with recurring cancer in 2017, and his life was taken on March 16, 2018.
The way we originally planned it is certainly different than the way it is unfolding. I’m heading out on my own solo journey. I feel compelled to stay on the plan that I made with my late husband, not because it was “our” plan, but because it was the “right” plan. I know he will be with me every step of the way. With that in mind, cominciamo! (Let us begin!)
Part of our human experience has disruptions built in throughout our life to make us stop, reassess, and force us to evolve from who we are into something different and better. Some of these changes are welcomed into our lives: we get married, we change careers, or we relocate to new locations. Some changes are not: we get divorced, we suffer illness, or we lose somebody we love. Regardless of the circumstances that bring us here, these changes can be pivotal points in life that we embrace or resist. When my husband died last year, I had a choice; I could fight, or I could surrender to the loss. I believe when we release resistance our journey towards who we are meant to be becomes easier. I am choosing not to fight, and instead, make meaning of his loss and find a rational place for it in the broader story of my life.
When we are in the beginning of these life transitions, they are disruptive, messy, emotional, and if we’re lucky, maybe even exhilarating. What is common in each of these experiences, as we move through them, is that we do not always recognize they will change us forever. Once they start happening, they are impossible to stop. We cannot go back to who we were, and we cannot slow the change without the feeling of significant resistance. We are swimming against a fast-moving current, and eventually, we surrender. I believe the Divine, or God, or the Universe, however you label the Creator, takes over and sweeps us up into the change. Like a raft on a river, we have no choice but to hold on and ride the rapids until the water calms. Resistance only makes it more difficult, and the message becomes clear, “Like it or not, you are going to change—you must change!”
My life has been unfolding over a series of events the last three years. Those events brought me to where I sit today as I write this. I left my employer of 23 years, attempted to reinvent my career, and most recently, cared for my husband. After all of that, I sold my house and gave away or stored everything else of importance that I could not take with me. I no longer own a car or anything of monetary value other than those things that are irreplaceable to me. I am on a plane, with my personal items packed into the cargo hold of an A380, and I have a one-way ticket to Rome. I only have the skeleton of a life plan. No longer am I concerned with long-term goals. I simply just need to reinvent, do something different, and I have no idea what’s in store for me. That’s where my story becomes exhilarating.
This recent break from normal, as unwelcome as it was and still is, literally forced me to my knees. It required that I flush my cache of bad memories, regrets, pain, and all of the unnecessary things I have collected up until now. I feel like I am an electronic device that needs to be rebooted to clear out every disturbance from my past preventing me from moving forward. I begin the reboot today with wheels up at 3:59 pm on February 11, 2019. I am traveling from Los Angeles to Rome.
After years of planning and document gathering, I am about to become an Italian citizen. I will settle in Italy for the foreseeable future. I do not have any plans to return to the United States at this point. My only plans are to stay in Rome for now, start Italian language school in a week, and then begin to create a new life that might start to feel normal again. Seems simple, right? Recently widowed middle-age man sells the house he loves, leaves the state he loves, and his country. He says goodbye to the friends and family and moves to a place where he can’t speak the language yet. Yeah, that’s probably not under the definition of returning your life to a state of normalcy.
Some people said it was too soon in my grief recovery. My truest friends applauded me for my courage. Some people simply asked: “What in the hell are you thinking?” As usual, there is never a shortage of varying opinions from the world’s finest minds in grief management, but ultimately, it’s all on me. I own the success or failure of this change. But I ask you to take comfort in knowing that this is not a failure in the making—this is an incredible gift I have been given. I would be crazy to squander this gift. I have the opportunity to reinvent who I am, what I do, and where I go. It’s a painful but exciting revelation. Whatever happens, I cannot return to the person I was. Yes, I can always go home, but I can never go back.
I think that is a common experience for people who lose their husbands, wives or life companions. You don’t just lose the person you loved, you lose the shared life that you lived, and like it or not, you lose your own identity, which you may or may not have loved. Sure, you keep your name, your experiences, and your physical things. You earn the painful title as someone who is now “widowed” in life, and by those who know your story, you will never be looked at the same way again. It becomes awkward to have conversations about your newly bestowed title, and often, you just want to avoid retelling the story all together.
Truthfully speaking, I no longer want to be defined as the person I was before. I don’t believe that person was the best version of me or the person who will lead me through the next stage of life. This loss has forced me to reflect on everything that led me to this point in time. It has stripped me down to the basics of what is important, how I want to be known, what type of relationships I want, and what contribution I want to make in life. I get to rethink what value I bring to family, friends and community, and I get to recreate everything!
Several months ago, when the loss and grief were fresh, I had a meditation that still sticks with me today. In my mind, a scene was playing. It was me sitting in the middle of a pile of bricks, rubble, and destruction. It looked like a war zone. The image and feelings were so clear to me, and it was unfolding like a movie in my head. I could literally feel the dust on my skin. At first, I just sat there frozen and sobbed like a child who had his Lego masterpiece destroyed. I felt as if my life was a pile of ruins. I gazed around in fear and panic and I felt the same emotions as someone who had just lost everything. I asked myself, “What does this mean, and what am I to do?”
Finally, the crying stopped. I looked at the dusty bricks, and one at a time, I picked them up and felt them. I assessed if they were strong enough to be reused. Some were cracked and some were broken. Some could be repurposed, while others would need to be discarded. I had enough bricks to start over. I knew I could not recreate the same life, I had to build a new masterpiece.
Today I left California, and I left the Luke of the past behind.
Today I hit the reset button. Cominciamo!
This is my first attempt at autobiographical writing. Your comments and feedback are encouraged and appreciated so that I can improve. I would love to hear what in my writings resonates with you, and quite frankly, if something doesn’t, that’s ok too. I’m trying to keep the postings inspirational, informative and light hearted. I don’t think anyone wants their daily dose of depression by reading my blog. I appreciate your interest and for following The Spaghetti Diaries. Grazie mille! – Luke
Bravo Luke! I’m so excited to be able to have this window on your journey!
Bravisimo dear Luke (I am going on this journey with you so am adjusting to this current version of your name!). This not only resonates with me but I am honored to have you share your personal thoughts, feelings and inner process. Here’s to reinvention 🎉👏🏼❤️
Grazie mille my wonderful friend! Luke will grow on you 🙂 Thank you for your kind and touching comment. 😘🤗
Bravo! It warms my heart to see this post … for you; for your vision; and for your journey. I am so proud of you and your “reboot” – and cannot wait to see this all unfold. You are strong, brave and wise – and your truest friends and family will stay with you through this phase (and forever). Much love, respect and admiration, cousin!
Thank you for your beautiful comments. They were wonderful to read. Much love, respect and admiration to you as well!
Sweetheart, I’m so proud of you for getting up from the rubble, dusting yourself off, and forging a new path. I know a little bit about reinvention after loss. I can’t wait to follow your adventures here. And someday, I will make it across the pond and come visit you. Love and light and hugs to you!
Thank you, Teresa! I wish our paths would have crossed last month in Phoenix, but it would be so much fun to cross in Roma! And I would love to show you around. All roads lead…🤗😘😀. Sending love and light back to you!
When I read this post, for some reason all I keep feeling is a nice warm hug. 🤗 It may have something to do with the fact that am still nested in bed! It puts a smile on my face and warm my soul. 🙂 I look forward to seeing your life path and voice develop.Thank for letting us come along for the ride!
Thank you! I am glad it affected you that way. You will definitely by in my heart on my journey! 😘❤️
Luke, we are so grateful to have crossed paths with you, and perhaps our chance meeting was intended to put some shine on one of those dusty bricks. What you describe in your first post is so relevant to our situation in terms of hitting a reset. While we have not experienced the incredible loss you have, the foundation of wanting to reinvent ourselves is a common bond.
We hope to nurture our relationship with you as we also make a new and more purposeful life for ourselves in Italy.
See you across the pond within the year! In bocca al lupo mio amico!❤🇮🇹
Michael (and Mr. G)…I too am grateful that we have connected on a similar journey! We are definitely on a shared path to reinvent life and our contributions to that! I look forward to spending more time when both of you arrive in a year! In bocca al Lupo miei amici! 🤗❤️🇮🇪
Beautiful and heartfelt. I am here with you and for you but I too know that your journey has to be a personal one. Enjoy, experience, and live life to the fullest. You are a shining light in this world. Carry your family’s love not as a burden but as a warm cloud that you can escape into should you need it. Love always.
Grazie mille, mia sorella! Your words are beautiful. Italy awaits!
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I don’t know if this makes sense, but I feel like I’m watching a child that I deeply love learn to walk. I gasp at every fall, want to kiss every hurt and am so, so, proud of every strong step that propels you forward on your own. I have NO doubt that you’ll pick up speed and be running with joy, discovering wonderful things along the way, while being wise beyond your age to stop and savor the experiences.
Love you.
Daria, It does make sense and I thank you for sharing your kind words. Wouldn’t it be nice to see our adventures as children, no fear, no judgement, just love! Big Love back to you! 🤗😘
Freudian slip? I LOVE it 💜💜💜
Yes! Or maybe not?? I’m sure he’s enjoying all of this! 🙂
Absolutely. 🥰
My dear Luke,
Thank you for sharing your journey with us! Beautifully told. It’s YOUR story, so every word resonates with truth and insight into this wonderful and fragile thing we call life. I’m honored and blessed to know you and value our friendship. May all your roads lead to discovery of joy. XO
Rochelle, thank you for your beautiful note! I too am honored and blessed to have you both in my life! Here’s to our masterpieces in the making! 🤗😘
beautifully written uncle!! Words can’t describe the feelings I’m having, proud isn’t enough. You are truly remarkable person. I can’t wait to read about all of your adventures to come. I am excited to see the reinvented uncle Luke. ❤️❤️
Emily, thank you for your wonderful note! You too are remarkable and I’m proud of you and to be your uncle! I look forward to seeing you and the kids here one day to experience La Dolce Vita!!😘🤗🇮🇹❤️
Beautifully written! Your thoughts around the human experience having built in disruptions really resonates with me, as I am sure it will with others. Thank you for allowing me to travel along with you on your reboot and reinvention. I look forward to more exilerating and inspiring views along your journey.
Thank you Carla! Your words mean a lot to me – as does our long-term friendship. How lucky am I that our paths crossed. I hope to always have your friendship and encouragement, as you have mine! Best to you!
Well written and very heartfelt Luke.❣ So excited for your new life. New adventures. Thank You for taking us along with You on your journey.
I truly pray that You find the peace of mind that You are searching for.
I know that both Darin and my Mom are guiding You every step of the way. 👩👦
Love you always,
Brigitte
Brigitte! Thank you for those wonderful words. I am finding peace and it’s a daily restart everyday. Each day we have a choice to make upon arising..seek the good and you’ll always find it. What a gift to have you in my life! – Luke
“Ditto “, my darling friend. Ditto. 💕💞👫
Bravo Luke!!!❤️
You are a true natural at writing.
The words in your blog have stirred emotion and more love in my heart for you and your journey.
Thank you for sharing your story and speaking your truth; many of us will be inspired, healed and awaken by your beautifully written words.
Reads like a great novel, leaving you wanting more.🤗
XOXOXO
🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹
Laura, thank you so much for your comments. I was hoped my writing would not only give people a better view into me, but also a view into the process of overcoming grief in a way that allows one to grow. I aspire to keep people engaged and interested, and perhaps maybe influence how others go through these major changes when life forces you to reassess. Thank you, again, for your touching comments and for being so important in my life. Love and hugs to you from Roma!! 😘🤗
Luke, you have such a gift for writing! So beautiful! We are so excited for you and your journey, and are looking forward to following along. Continue to follow your heart! I have no doubt that Darin is watching over you. ❤️ We love you and look forward to eventually visiting you. Safe travels and big hugs!
Love,
Cheryl and Mike
Cheryl, Grazie mille!! Your comment is so appreciated! Thanks for stopping by and following along. I’m so glad we got to spend some time together before I left. You two are truly special – and I cannot wait to show you around Roma soon! Sending love and baci to you!
Luke,
I’m so in awe of your bravery and courage. I’m so excited for you and what your future will bring. You are a light of promise for so many. Our history is rich and I know there’s more to come. Thank you for blessing my life as an important force. Darin is always with you…loving you as you love him.
Ciao honey
Love you, Linda
Linda, This was such a nice read tonight. Miss you and the boys and that little Shelby! Thank you for blessing my life and I know I have many people watching over me – in this world and in others! Ciao and buona notte! Love ya, Luke
Dear Luke, our dear friend Cynthia Martin sent us a link to your blog this morning. As I read it aloud to my wife Christie while sipping coffee in bed on the Amalfi coast, we can’t help but hope that our paths will cross as we too just arrived in Italy and are hitting the “reset” button. We will be in Rome for 1 night in a few days on our way to Sicily where we too will be going to language school in Cefalu for a month. After that, we will settle in a house rental in Umbria which has been a home away from home for us for the past 12 years. This time is different, it’s not just a vacation but an opportunity to shift and grow and discover. It’s more of an inside job this time. Luke, your writing is beautiful and thoughtful and sincere. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and we would love to connect while we are on this path together. Ciao!
Jane, your kind words are a wonderful introduction to you and Christie. I am so pleased to hear you enjoyed my first post. Thank you. I would love to cross paths and swap “reset” stories. I know your stay in Rome is short. Let’s connect via email. Any friend of Cynthia is a friend of mine! Ciao!
Would love to connect via email and in Rome if it works out. I believe you have my email from subscribing to your blog. Be sure to wander around Via Margutta in Rome if you haven’t discovered it yet…near Spagna. It’s our new favorite neighborhood and has some lovely restaurants, shops and galleries. Ciao!
Perfect!! Just sending you a note, Jane. I’m discovering so many hidden gems..I look forward to finding Via Margutta!
Lou (it’ll be Luke moving forward)
I was saddened to hear about the loss of Darin. My belated to condolences.
I was heartened to hear about your brave new venture; I know that your rediscovery will prove fruitful beyond words. While learning Italian may be difficult, your core traits of decency, caring, intelligence, and a wicked sense of humor will translate well in any language. I will be following and praying for you as your new life unfolds. All the best. Mike Sears
Mike, thank you for your thoughts and prayers. It is good to see you following my blog. Thank you for your kind description of see as well..you also have many of the same traits. I may need to lean on your wisdom now and then! I wish you the best and stay tuned for more adventures.
Luca!
First, my deep condolences on your loss. Second, bravo! I know we met only briefly on a few occasions and I was immediately struck by you. I admire your depth, heart, and courage. I wish you a wonderful adventure. Italy will embrace you and be better to have you there.
ciao
Greg
Greg,
Thank you for your note..from one Italian to another. I appreciate your kind words. It’s wonderful to know these connections over the years stay strong. I wish you buona fortuna in your journey as well..and let’s stay in touch! – Luca
“Yes, I can always go home, but I can never go back”. I love how you chose not to say “go back home”. Subtle difference in words but powerful message that home is where you decide it to be, with the memories you choose to keep and not a place or time in the past. It can be, and for some it is, but it doesn’t have to be.
I am truly sorry about your loss, sir. I know that with your genuine sense of caring for others, you will flourish in whatever you decide to tackle.
I had the honor of working for you early in my career for a very brief period, and the lessons from that journey influence my life to this day. I cannot say that I always live up to the standard that you showed; I remain a work in progress!
I wish you the most amazing success and look forward to being a part of the reboot and reset through your words.
Take good care of yourself.
Rasheed Dean
Rasheed,
So nice to see you in my inbox. Thank you for your kind words and your compliments. I am glad you understood the message behind going home. It really can be anywhere you choose to place your heart and soul. I enjoyed working with you and seeing you progress over the years. I am happy for any part I played in your journey and we are all a work in progress on our own timeline.
I, too, wish you success and thank you for following my story and staying in touch!
You take care of yourself as well! Best to you and your family!
I saw your post on the FB Americans in Italy group….bravo! Looking forward to reading about your adventures. While I’m not there yet, I’m not far behind you. 24 months and counting! All the best to you.
Thank you, Anthony. I’m so glad you stopped by to read the blog. Congratulations on your plan!! 24 months will fly by!! Happy to help any way I can. Feel free to stay in touch. Best to you!!
Lucca!
Small world in a sense, seems as though we might have a mutual friend.
I’m very sorry for your loss and also very happy for your new adventure. I applaud your strength and courage and wish you happiness and joy for the rest of your life😊🇮🇹❤️
Lisa, thank you so much for your note. I’m never sure what combination of courage, strength, or crazy gets me here, but I am happy to be here. I hope you enjoy the posts and look forward to staying connected! Best to you and your amazing life as well!
So beautiful 😍. Very sorry for your loss Lou. Always looked up to you for the leadership you provided. Wishing you the very best in your adventure and thank you for sharing it with us
Viji Ramesh
Viji, what a pleasure to see you on my page! Thank you for seeking me out and for your beautiful comments. I wish you the best on your adventure as well and stay in touch!
My dear friend, there is too much in this beautiful post on which to comment specifically. So much of it resonated with me deeply and as you know, we share many of the ideas above. And I sure do know what it is to “up sticks” and move across the planet (a bunch of times…). With each of those moves, I have become increasingly aware of how huge a blessing it is to have the opportunity for a completely fresh start, one that allows you to truly and deeply examine every choice you make about where you live, what you keep (and don’t), what you want (and don’t) and to live a life that is authentic to the essence of who you are (as that is unfolding).
I’m so sorry for your loss but you know that Darin is still very much with you in spirit (and still nudging me with comments for you, apparently!). I’m delighted and thrilled beyond words for you as you step out on this new and wonderful journey that will push you ever closer to the fullness of expressing your sweet spirit in this life.
With loads of love and big hugs
Liberty xoxo
Liberty, thank you so much for your beautiful comment! Yes..we do speak much of the same vocabulary and have felt similar joys/sorrows as we travel through life. I appreciate your understanding of the restart, and having the ability to go deep versus broad. Liz Gilbert posted a quote recently from Cheryl Strayed, it said, “I didn’t run away from life, I went deeper into it.” I thought it was brilliant and it has remained with me since I first read it.
I’m taking your message and making Saturday a good day and enjoying lots of gelato! (Thanks Darin for the message!)
I cannot wait to connect on the continent that we both occupy, and thank you for being a good friend that has helped me through some very difficult times. Sending loads of love to you in England..welcome home to both of us!
Luke XOXO
This is a beautifully written piece. We are so sorry to read about your loss, but we hope you are finding all that you need on your new journey. We think it’s wonderful what you chose to do.
Lucy and Kelly
theblossomtwins.com
Lucy & Kelly,
Thank you for your kind note – I also appreciate your condolences. I am experiencing amazing things and I believe they are part of what I created. It definitely can be unnerving at times, but every time I find myself uncomfortable with something new, I try to simply breathe and jump into it. It feels like a flywheel has started to spin and each day the momentum continues. Thank you again for your note..and I really enjoyed browsing your blog. Congratulations on building an excellent site and good luck with your adventures!
Luke
Luke, thank you so much for sharing this! I lost my father to cancer in 2007, it crushed me and had my whole world as I knew it tumbling out of control. It was that event that pushed me to move to Italy 9 years ago. As you said “Whatever happens, I cannot return to the person I was. Yes, I can always go home, but I can never go back.” I have become one of the best versions of myself here in Italy – and even though there are hardships here, I am willing to come up against anything because this is the path I’m meant to be on! I wish you all the best on this new journey and I will continue to follow your blog with admiration and much respect.
LuLu,
I am sorry to hear about the passing of your father, but based on your courage and what you did with your life after, tells me that he gave you his best. Your story sounds familiar in that you were given a choice to live big..and you did! In this moment, I can relate to those feelings of your world crumbling and your desire to just hold it together. Then, something happens and you realize your only choice is to become something else, something bigger. By creating a bigger life we create space for not only the sadness we will carry, but also the space for the happiness we are experiencing now. I bet there is a lot I can learn from your journey. I hope to stay connected and learn from you! Thank you so much for your beautiful comments and for following my story.
-Luke
Condoglianze-so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope your ‘reboot’ is going well so far. You certainly picked a n incredible place for it. Roma is an amazing place and she is also a good healer. Ciao, Cristina
Grazie Christina! Apprezzo le tue condoglianze. Roma è stata una guaritrice meravigliosa per me. Questa città mi permette di ricollegarmi con la vita e l’amore. Ti auguro il meglio! -Luke
Dear Luke, first of all, thank you for your bravery both in writing but also in what you are doing. It requires great strength to make the choices you have and I am certain the universe will reward you for this. Italy is an amazing place, it has such an innate ability to heal and I wish that for you. Your writing is beautiful, please keep writing. I have unfortunately been touched by cancer as well, having lost my father almost three years ago. I know the grief, the heartbreak, but I also know the richness you will find in life having experienced loss. Hope to keep in touch and to keep having you with us in this linkup. Love, Jasmine (questadolcevita.com). #DolceVitaBloggers
Jasmine! I have enjoyed following your blog and in its own way helped inspire my own journey. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father. I’m sure he is proud of your work in relighting your life and making it even bigger so others can benefit from the gift he left behind. Italy is an amazing place and it can be very healing when you experience the richness and generosity of life here when you surrender to what it has to offer. I thank you for your comments and your support! I look forward to staying connected as well and keep up the wonderful work at questdolcevita.com ! – Luke
Oh Luke I’m so touched by your story. Like Jasmine I lost my father to Cancer. You really don’t think you will survive it but we are all little warriors underneath. I’m sure your life change will help you heal and your Husband will be proud of the journey you are taking. Thank you so much for joining up with Dolce Vita Bloggers this month. I look forward to reading more about your adventures in Rome. xx
Kristie,
Thank you for your comments! I am sorry to hear about your father’s passing. The last few days have been weighing heavy on my mind, and sometimes that little warrior needs reinforcements. Your note was just what I needed. I do believe change was inevitable, either I was going to direct it – or it was going to direct me. I haven’t regretted my decision, but I’m always curious where it will lead me.
It is great to connect with the Dolce Vita bloggers..and I hope my message helps someone along the way.
I wish you joy in your journey, Kristie! Thank you for your note. Baci & abbracci!
Ciao Luke! First of all piacere, it’s so nice to meet you through #dolcevitabloggers. I’m sure that this is the first post of many of yours that I will have the pleasure of reading. You have a way of writing that touches the reader deep in the soul. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am so inspired by your willingness to pick up the pieces, however painful, and create something new, yet different. This will be the legacy of your husband. You are a Phoenix rising, and I can’t wait to see what you create. Best of luck on your new life in Italy, and may you find healing amongst the ruins. -Kelly (italianatheart.com) P.S. currently in the Rome airport en route to Sardinia!
Kelly, Piacere! Thank you for your wonderful comments and I appreciate your condolences. It has been a challenging few years but I see good things ahead and can feel joy again with all that has unfolded in Italy. Sometimes I feel like my wings are still developing, but they are growing fast. I hope to stay connected as well and I will be following your posts as well. Thanks again for your note. Enjoy Sardegna!! Buon viaggio! – Luke
Luke, I am reading this all to my husband and I have to tell you, you are amazing!! You write as though I am writing it. We do think alike! I can’t wait to come there…….and meet you. Life can be so strange and so amazing! Thanks for taking us with you on your journey. Toni
Toni, your comment humbles me. I really appreciate your kind words and your encouragement. I hope you and your husband each found something in this that resonated with you. I am sure our like minds brought us together – and I hope we’ll see each other soon. Perhaps when all of this becomes forever a memory (hopefully soon) you’ll come visit and we’ll smile over introductions, laugh over wine, and savor gelato together! Until then, thank you for following me on my journey. I amending love to you and your family. Be well and stay wonderful.